Our First Christmas

Well I know this is a little late, New Year's is just a few days away but I still wanted to share with you all about our Christmas.  First of all I have to send a big thank you out to my parents who were so wonderful in helping us decide what/how and when we wanted to celebrate and to be flexible with all of it for us.  I know we also had many many people praying for us during this holiday season and we are more thankful than we could ever say for the love and support we have received. 

So our family has two Christmas gatherings, one with extended family and all the aunts uncles and cousins come to that one. It is always the week before Christmas.  We decided originally that we wanted to go to this gathering but perhaps we would arrive late so as to avoid all the children opening their gifts.  So that was the plan, but as you know plans never turn out like you think they will.  Due to unforeseen changes in the arrival of some of the younger children we arrived late for no good reason.  The gifts could not be opened without all the children there so we ended up being a witness to the mayhem.  I have to say, it really was good, I was glad we were there.  The youngest kiddo was 2 years old so really there wasn't any real triggers for us.  Over all a very nice evening with family, which I am grateful for.

Moving on to actual Christmas time, I got to go with my parents on the 23rd with my sister on a Christmas Lights tour of San Francisco! It was lots of fun, cold but we had a great time seeing the city from a new perspective.  Then we went to dinner and got to visit just the 4 of us (my folks and sis and me) which was a rare treat indeed! Then we headed home and snuggled on the couch with the puppies and visited some more before going to bed for the night. My hubby joined us the next morning and we had a nice relaxing day, no plans no rushing around just spending time together with our family. My dad always makes a huge Christmas feast so we decided that this year for Christmas Eve we would go out to dinner at nice restaurant in town so that we wouldn't have to make a big mess in the kitchen.  It was a wonderful evening full of family, good food, and best of all no stress!

Christmas Day was more of the same, and I am so thankful!  We decided to have a quiet relaxing Christmas, no rushing around or tons of people just those closest to us, to help celebrate and remember in our own ways. We had a wonderful and yummy Christmas dinner with all kinds of goodies, thanks to my Dad the fabulous chef! Seriously stuffed by the end of the night, soo good!

 We have been so blessed with family and friends who made us wonderful ornaments for Ethan and Alexis.  They are up on our tree and it really helped me know that my children were thought about, remembered and missed this Christmas and it made all the difference in the world to me.  Over all it was just what we needed and I am truly thankful to my parents and sister for helping us to continue our grief journey through the holidays as gently as possible.  I wanted to share the beautiful ornaments we received so here are some pictures. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who blessed us with one of these.

Don't forget to follow

HI All!

Just a quick reminder to make sure and follow me on my new blog to get updates on our little rainbow!  I posted one today for 12 weeks. So check it out and be sure to follow me there! Thanks for all the love and support!

Ami

Wonderful and Exciting News!

Hi Everyone,

We have some very exciting news to share with you all. Please visit my new blog to hear all about it!

Hugs!

Ami

Our Hawaii Trip

I wanted to share some of the pictures from our amazing trip to Hawaii with all of my blog friends as well as my IRL friends!  So here is just a small sample from our amazing trip! Hope you enjoy.

Truly the trip of a lifetime! Highly recommend it if you ever get the chance to go, do it!

6 Months ( a few days late)

I was on a plane coming back from a much needed vacation with my hubby on the 11th and this is the first opportunity I've had since getting home to sit down and write. I found this on another BLM blog and wanted to share it in honor of Ethan's 6 month angelversary. The author is unknown.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I know this is a rough time for you so I will be as gentle as I can be. First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in us. As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only. Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work at someone else's timetable.

Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently and yearn for my return. Do this with courage and my blessings. Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible. Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me and renewing your commitments to life.

It's okay with me if you go through minutes, hours and even days not thinking of me. I know that you'll never forget. Losing me and grabbing hold of a new meaning in your life is a delicate art. I'm not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it's a combination.

Be with people who accept you as you are. Mention my name out loud and if they don't make hasty retreat, they're probably excellent candidates for friendship.

If, by a remote possibility, you think that there is anything you could have done for me and didn't, I forgive you. Resentment does not abide here, only love.

You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I am still yours and you are still my mother. Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you.

I know how you feel inside. Read, even though your tears anoint the pages. In Henri Nowens' book "Out of Solitude" he writes, "the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair and confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

I want you to know that I am okay and that I have sent you messages to ease your pain. They come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices and visions and sometimes through your friends and even strangers who volunteer as angels.

Stay open but don't expect the overly dramatic. You will get what you need and it may be simple as an internal feeling of peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted.

Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, and if they have done their grief work, they are an inspiration and a beacon of hope for you.

There are still funny things happening in our world. It delights me to no end to hear your spontaneous laughter.

Mommy and Daddy, I will always be in your heart. Today I will light a candle for you. When you light your candle for me their light will shine above the darkness.

Love,
 
Your Baby
 
Author unknown

What a powerful letter! I have had mixed feelings these last few days, on the one hand we just came back from an amazing vacation in Hawaii which we were so blessed to be able to do, yet I am still struggling with all the should have beens. With Ethan's 6 month angelversary just passed and Christmas bearing down on us like a freight train I am feeling a little like the deer who is caught in the headlights.  Please believe that I know how much I have to be thankful for and so much to be grateful of but even all those blessings don't take away the ache and the loss that I continue to carry with me, most days quietly without any outward signs, but its always with me. 

The ebb and flow of grief is very different than anything else I have ever experienced.  Example being our vacation, we had an amazing time!!!  We loved every minute of our vacation, and while I definitely thought about my precious Ethan it was just for a few minutes off and on during the day.  I was able to truly enjoy this vacation, my heart felt lighter than it has in a very long time, and for this I am truly grateful.  We had such a good time that we are already planning a return trip for spring 2012!   Truly a joyous event.

Yet I return home and Christmas is everywhere!  It is impossible to think about Christmas and not feel sad because our Ethan will not be with us.  He should be here celebrating Christ's birthday with us but instead he is celebrating with the King himself.  Part of me is truly glad, he is happy and well and has never known anything but love ever during his entire life both here and in heaven. But the other part of me, is still sad that he is not here to be loved by all the family and friends he has here who are missing him. 

I know Ethan will be remembered and missed by so many this Christmas.  If you are wondering how to remember or honor Ethan this first Christmas, I would love it if you would consider buying a toy in memory of Ethan. Then you could donate it in his memory to a local charity in your area. If I will be seeing you this Christmas season you could of course simply bring the toy to me and I would be happy to bring it to one of our local children's charities.  I would love it if you let me know in a note either via email or mail if you are able to do this. It would make this mommy's heart so very happy.  In the mean time please continue to keep us in your prayers during this difficult holiday season.  Thank you to all of my dear family and friends who continue to hold us up as we travel through this grief journey.

Processing and Catching up!

Hi All,

It has been so long since I've written on here!  I missed it, but somehow I have just needed to be away from blogging for a little bit. So now I am back to fill you in on November and Thanksgiving.  It was a busy month for our family, we have four immediate family birthdays in November.  My dad, my sister, me and my nephew are all with in a two week period! The 7th, 14th 18th and 21st.  So this year we decided we needed simply due to time issues to combine them into one family birthday. So we did, all gathered on the weekend of the 13th at my sisters house.  I will say most of the birthday celebration was focused on my nephew who turned 2 years old and that was fine with me!  This year I wasn't in much of a mood to celebrate my birthday anyway.  It was great to be with all the family and visit outside of a holiday event.  My hubby and I also treated ourselves to a hotel instead of a air mattress on the floor at my sisters which as so nice! 

Over all it was a really fun weekend, my nephew just won't stop growing up, way too fast! He is so darn cute!  The only challenge for the weekend was when some family videos were pulled out. They were of my niece's first birthday. She was adorable and cute of course but both my hubby and I couldn't help but think about the fact that we will never have that for Ethan, all these firsts that we will never have. Its funny how things can affect you. We made it through the evening just fine, but then back at the hotel we were both just down, so we curled up in bed, we are good at that and snuggled until we fell asleep.  The next day was beautiful, we went for a walk at a local park, it was so nice. Truly a gorgeous day.  Everything was literally picture perfect except of course that Ethan was missing as he will be from every family gathering.  I am thankful though for the time spent with my family and a beautiful day in God's creation.

The next big event in November is of course Thanksgiving. In our family we traditionally have it at my parent's house.  My Dad is an amazing cook!! We are very spoiled every year with his mouthwatering dishes. This year my parent's were/are in the middle of a bathroom remodel.  So it was decided the weekend before thanksgiving that we would have it at our house!  Not as stressful as one might think though (at least for me) because my Dad was still going to do the cooking. Bless his heart, he brought all the food and half his kitchen including buying a smoker to my house.  I loved having everyone at my house, it truly was a blessing to not have to travel and sleep in my own bed! Plus I really do enjoy hosting regardless of the occasion. 

So Thanksgiving day was actually pretty good, lots of people and things to keep us distracted. The only moment that was a little hard was when we all sat down for our meal and I looked around at all the people I love and realizing that Ethan should have been here too.  But we made it through, had a wonderful meal, ate way to much as usual and all around enjoyed ourselves. 

So the hard part actually came that night and into the next morning. My sister and her kiddos have stayed over lots of times at our house since Ethan died and there has not been any issues for us. We love our niece and nephew dearly!  I have even used the nursery as a nap time area for my nephew in his porta-crib, happy that it was getting some use.  So it was not even a second thought when with ten people staying at our house my sister asked where to set up his crib for the night. I said the nursery would  be fine.  Sometimes you just can't prepare for how things affect you.  I got home very late in the morning from black Friday shopping with my sisters. (we left at midnight and returned around 3:30am) Crawled into bed only to realize that my hubby was still awake.  He was really upset, more than I had seen him in quite a few months. I asked him what was wrong and he just kind of blurted out.  "He woke up crying in the nursery!" We should be hearing our son crying not someone else's was my first thought.  It just had not even occurred to me, oh yeah dummy he still wakes up at night, and cries! Not even 30 minutes had gone by since I got home and he was crying again. It was excruciating to watch my hubby in so much pain.  All we could do was hold each other and cry, for all we lost and all we were missing.  What an awful night!

The next moring we were still very drained and sad, between my late night shopping and the events of the night once I got home I think I got about 4 hours sleep.  We attempted to get up and be social for a while but we ended up back in bed. More tears and crying. I hate feeling so torn.  I wanted to see my family yet all I wanted to do was curl up in bed with my hubby and let the tears come.  Mom came in a little while later, she is always good at comforting me. She said what ever we needed was fine, however they could help lift us up even a little they would do.  So we decided to go and visit Ethan, that always helped me somehow.  So finally we got dressed. My sister, her hubby and the kiddos had left already.  We got ready and finally made our way to the car.  We went to the store and got a beautiful bouquet and Balloon for Ethan with a harvest design on it.  By the time we arrived I was feeling better as I usually do.  We cleaned off his plaque and set up his flower/balloon arrangement. It was beautiful.  It was nice to be there with my parents and younger sister. She had not seen his plaque yet. Also my grandmother from out of state was with us as well.  This was her first visit to the cemetery.  It was a really special time. Here are a few pictures from our visit.

Happy Thanksgiving to my precious little boy, Mommy and Daddy love you so much!!

5 Months

Wow what a roller coaster this journey has been for us.  Slowly we are creeping back toward some sort of normalcy. We are having a lot more good days now then bad, which I have mixed feelings about too.  Today is  another month gone by, 5 months now since we said goodbye to our sweet little Ethan. Its hard to believe that it has been so long, that in just one more month it will be 6 and Christmas will be upon us very soon. Its hard  to imagine in our current reality how different our life would be right now if Ethan was still with us.We definitely would be sleeping less and a lot more tired!  He would be 5 months old, cooing and  perhaps starting to giggle, maybe even a tooth or two by now if he follows in the family tradition. I think about all the things we are missing with him and it just makes my heart ache, the sadness that is usually just a quiet passenger today is loud and persistent like an overbearing relative who just won't go away!

This has been a interesting morning, I really thought today was  going to be OK, a "normal" granted sad day but I would  continue about my morning and routine as planned. I even talked to my MIL who is so sweet to call almost every month on this day to see how we are doing. I was good. Able to talk and make plans etc.  Got of the phone and  back onto facebook, because of course that's what everyone does first thing in the morning, right? Anyway point being I was moving along just fine when I decided to update my status with a note to Ethan remembering him on his day.  I wrote it, posted and then almost as if by sneak attack the tears  and crying began and didn't stop.  I cried in my bed, then in the bathroom, while trying to recover and blow my nose which always turns into a snot factory, and then again in the shower while attempting to continue with my morning they came again, in relentless waves.  I will never stop missing my son but truly I was surprised at how this  wave just hit me bam!

I guess I should not have planned on this being a "normal" day for me. No matter how much we think we may have things "together" there will always be moments and  days I am learning that just take us for a ride. All we can do is hold on and hope that it doesn't last too long. Please be thinking of our little family today as we continue to muddle through this messy thing called grief. Thanks for all the love and prayers.

Ami

A Joyful Heart

Its funny, never in the past 5 months would I have imagined that I would be posting a blog about being joyful, but I am so glad that I get to share my joy with you all today.  If you know me in person at all you know that I have always been a "caretaker".  It truly makes my heart go pitter patter to be able to help someone in need, to let them know that they are loved and people care about them. I have always been the girl who carries her heart on her sleeve, if I feel strongly about something or I am involved in something I never do things half way, always 110%  That is also I think why the blog community has been such a wonderful gift for me, I can talk with and relate with women all over the world who suffer the same pain that I do.  We can share in a way that truly no one else can.  That is why in the last month I decided I wanted to help BL M's in a more official way in my own community. So I signed up to be a phone volunteer for my local support group.  I am now the primary person for responding to phone calls from other new BL M's in the central valley! 

Today was the first time I actually got to talk to someone.  It was truly an amazing experience, my heart is overflowing with thankfulness and  joy that I have been able to help and reach out to another BLM who is  hurting so badly from her very recent loss.  I know all too well  that especially in the first month or two all you want to do is talk to someone who understands your pain. I found that through the blogging community but many mommies do not have this wonderful resource available to them.  Talking to this woman about her loss and allowing her to share her story was so rewarding in so many ways I am having trouble expressing all that I am feeling.  Through this phone call I once again realized just how blessed I am to have the support of all of my dear family and friends who have walked this road with me. Who talk about Ethan, remember him and love him.  I can never thank you all enough for giving me this blessing. 

Many people do not have this kind of support, they have to travel though this journey alone.  My heart aches for all the mommies out there who do not have a support system to help them through their grief journey. That is why my new role as a phone volunteer is so meaningful to me.  It allows me to reach out and be a means of support for mommies out there who have no one else they can turn to.  Most of my job is just to listen, however I also have opportunities to talk about Ethan as well, sharing my experience which I believe also helps people to open up.  Of course my ultimate goal is to also get them to a support group meeting where they will meet many other mommies and daddies who have struggled down the same very difficult path as them. No one's  journey is exactly the same because we are all created as  individuals and our children are all unique.  However we have all experienced the same horrible pain of losing a child or children.

So this new role for me is both rewarding for me and also a way to honor my precious little Ethan.  Because Ethan died from meconium aspiration and not from a specific cause like SIDS, I have had a hard time finding a way to be "involved" with a group to honor his memory.  This is my way of doing that, of making a small difference hopefully to many hurting families throughout the central valley for many years to come.  Thanks for sharing my joy with me!

Ami

Our First Halloween Weekend

Well we survived the weekend. Actually I think we did more than survive, we made sure to take care of ourselves!  There are many opinions out there on how we should have spent it, but we knew what was best for us and our little family.  For starters, something most of you in my blog world don't know is that I'm a huge Giants Fan! So we had all kinds of awesome distraction this weekend since they are in the world series! Saturday I spent most of the day and into the evening in my Giants gear cheering and yelling at the TV.  However it did not seem to do much good, they lost that night 4-2.  The rest of the evening was spent with my hubby and his mom who is an amazing woman of God.  She and her husband are full time missionaries in Cambodia 9 months out of the year. So it is very special when we get to spend time with her. 

She is here right now talking at churches and trying to raise awareness for their mission work.  As our visit continued we got to talking about Ethan as we usually do with family and she told us something that brought me to tears.  She talks about Ethan when she speaks to churches!! People all over the country and the world know about him, her beautiful little grandson, our son. There is nothing that makes this Mama's heart happier than to know that he is being remembered and his life story shared in such a special way.  I am so thankful that she is taking the time to honor my son in such a beautiful way. That his life, his story will be heard by hundreds, if not thousands of people. His very short life is making a difference in people's lives and in God's kingdom all over the world!! Who would have ever imagined that our little boy would effect the lives of so many people, even though he was here for such a very short time with us.  This has lifted my heart, even though I am still sad and of course we all have our moments of hurt. Just this knowledge has helped me tremendously this weekend.

Then Sunday came.  As I said before there were different opinions on how we should spend our day. Some thought we should "get out" and join in the local festivities of our church. They were hosting a fall festival which is a great family friendly alternative to going trick or treating. However my hubby and I decided that we wanted to help contribute however we did not think it would be wise to take part on the actual day.  I mean really, lets think about this people! We have no living children, we lost our little boy almost 5 months ago, so no I don't think going to watch other families enjoy this child centered holiday with their children was a good idea! So instead we helped with set up on Friday. That way Sunday the day of Halloween could be spent doing whatever we wanted. 

It was truly a beautiful day, the weather was gorgeous! We decided it would be a perfect day to go and visit Ethan, also taking along "W" my hubby's mom.  We picked her up on the way out and arrived shorty after.  The baby garden was overflowing with all the decorations that families had put up for their beloved babies.  They were so beautiful! There were even a few little presents left for Ethan by other families, a white pumpkin and a tiny little plastic pumpkin with some candies in it. It again filled my Mama's heart with joy to see other's taking the time to remember our precious Ethan along with their own babies. It was a perfect afternoon, we spent about an hour there, talking, remembering and also looking at all the beautiful things that people had done for their babies. I loved it! Here are some pictures from our visit!

Finally we felt like it was time to go so we said our goodbyes to our sweet angel and then took mom back home. We both knew we were not up for trick or treaters tonight, we hadn't even bought candy!

So we decided to stop for an early dinner at a local pizza/grill place.  They also had flat screens all over the restaurant so we were able to eat our yummy food and watch game 4 of the World Series!  After a while we decided that since we had finished our meal we wanted to just get home. We would watch the rest of the game when we got home. So off we went, finally home, We pulled into our garage, walked into the house, closed all the shutters, turned off all the outside lights and went and curled up in our bedroom. There we watched the rest of the game, which was AWESOME! Then we watched one of our favorite TV shows, Dexter which is on Sunday nights. Great at keeping us very distracted! We never even got one doorbell ring, so nice!

Overall a very good day. We had no major meltdowns, although I do admit to some moments of sadness when seeing random children in their costumes as we drove home. But considering how this day/weekend could have gone, I am very happy and thankful with how everything turned out.  One more holiday without my beautiful son, done!  The next few holidays I know will be difficult, especially Christmas. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions for these hard days coming up I would love to hear them. Thanks!

Ami

A New Page

Hi All,

Just want you all to know that I made a new page on my blog for pictures of Ethan's Plaque. I have posted all the current pics I have. I will continue to post more as we continue through our first year and beyond when ever I have more I want to share. It's something I have really started to enjoy as one way to continue remembering my little Ethan. I won't ever have any other new pictures to share of my little boy so this is one way I get to create that for myself.  Hope you enjoy them.

Ami

Greatful Heart

So its been a while since I  have written.  I really don't like writing "just because I'm supposed to".  So sometimes my posts may be more sporadic than others depending on whats going on in my life and how I'm feeling. This has been overall a really good stretch of days. We have had a nice mix of baby loss activities and just "regular" life days.  As I sit and think about that statement I am even more amazed at just how many "regular life" days we have been enjoying this month. I know things will never be the same, but we are finally beginning to discover our "new normal".  The fact that we are not only able to function but are indeed beginning to actually enjoy life again is an amazing blessing from God.   Only he can bring us the true comfort and peace that we have experienced.  Now don't get me wrong (all you lovely BLMs out there) having the love and comfort of our heavenly father does not mean we haven't experienced the depths of human agony these last 4 1/2 months! I simply mean to say that I know we would not be where we are now in our journey without his love and comfort. 

I can not begin to say how thankful I am for all the wonderful friends we have in our church family,  I think about the fact that I only moved to Modesto a little over 2 years ago and how we have been blessed beyond measure with friends during these two years.  In the past when I moved (which I have done a lot of) I never was blessed with so many dear friends in such a relatively short amount of time.  I think that this was God's way of helping to prepare me for this journey that he knew I would have to travel on. He has given me the most amazing group of women to walk with me and I just simply am overwhelmed with love and gratefulness when I think about what they have done for my hubby and me and the rest of our family.  Even now,  my friends still talk about Ethan with me, still think of him, still go visit him with me. Today in fact, one of my girlfriends brought her 2 little girls with her and we went to visit Ethan. The girls have always had lots of questions for me about Ethan and it meant so much to be able to share his special place with them.  This is a picture from our visit today. 

 I know that many people would look at my life, the last 18 months and blessed is not the first word that they would use to describe it, but I am.  I am blessed beyond measure with the love of our heavenly father, my amazing husband, my parents who have truly suffered with us, and with all the wonderful women in my life who are shining examples of what Christ wants us to do, love one another. All I can say is thank you. 

October 15th Candle Lighting Event

                                                                     

                                                                       

Today, October 15th, was International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. A day each year for all of our angel babies to be remembered and loved all over the world!

It was a very special evening for us. We went with our support group HAND to the cemetery and had the candle lighting graveside. It was so beautiful!  We met at 6:45 and at 7 0'clock we all lit our candles along with thousands of other hurting families all over the world.

We lit one for each of our children, our beautiful baby boy Ethan, and our little Alexis who we never got to meet. We also got to meet some new people that were not at our last meeting so I also got to share Ethan's story with them, which I love to do!

I am so thankful for the opportunity to remember Ethan and Alexis and be able to meet with others who share our grief, who truly know the pain of losing a child. I hate the circumstances that we have to meet each other in but I love the new friends and community of support we are beginning to discover!

                                                                    

Playmates in Heaven

I just wanted to share that I added a list to my blog with all the angel babies that I have come to know and love through our wonderful BLM blog community. To all the BLM mommies I follow, your angel's name are on the list as playmates in heaven with Ethan and Alexis. If I didn't list your angel's middle name it was because I couldn't find it on your blog. Please feel free to leave a comment if you are one of those mommies with your babies first and middle name so I can add it. Love and hugs to all! Hope your day is a peaceful one.

4 Months-Hills and Valleys

If you read my last post you know that my hubby and I were blessed to be able to getaway for a couple of days on the coast and it was wonderful! We had an amazing time, truly relaxed and just enjoyed one an other's company. Did not have an itinerary or agenda just did what ever we felt like. It was so nice, just to be able to "just be". We walked on the beach, watched the sunset, watched shows, cooked breakfast together, went out to eat a lot, and slept in! The place we stayed called Andril Fireplace Cottages was fantastic. Everything we could ever need or want was at our fingertips. A fireplace, a full kitchen, hot tub, flat screen, free wifi, even a ping pong table if we really wanted some laughs! And the beach was a 5 minute walk down the road. I can't say enough how much I loved our stay there!

The funny thing was, as nice as it was having a kitchen at our disposal we really didn't use it as much as I thought we would. We did make breakfast there, one morning but other than that we ate out for the rest of our meals. We just couldn't help ourselves, we love the area so much, so many good restaurants to enjoy! I am so thankful to hubby's generous co-workers for the gift certificate for our room cost so that we could indulge as much as we wanted in the yummy food department.

There was only one time during the entire 4 days that I struggled with at all, which is pretty good for me.  It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, we were in downtown Monterey walking around enjoying the sights and sounds of cannery row and so was every other family on the planet. It felt like everywhere I turned there was another young couple or mother with her baby, all little, most of them in front carriers just like Ethan would be in right now.  Most of the time I was able to keep my distance and focus on other things but there were two different occasions where I came out of a store and they were right in front of me, one I practically ran into.  After the second time we both needed to step back so we went across the way to an area with benches farther away from the crowds so I could catch my breath. We sat there for quite a while, silent, leaning onto one another, with tears falling slowly down my face.  My hubby voiced my thoughts for me, "it should have been us".  Yes it should have been, but its not, instead we sat on the bench with empty arms wishing so badly things were different.  Holding onto the hope that someday they will be.

Today Monday October 11th Ethan would be 4 months old, I can't believe all of this time has passed already.  I went today with a dear friend to visit my precious boy and bring him a few little things.  Of course fall flowers. My friend brought him a cute little blue plastic jack-o-lantern to add to his bouquet and also a tiny blue toy train given to Ethan by her son, it was his toy that he had played with when he was little. I am so thankful for my family and friends who love me and my son so much. It makes my mommy heart so happy to know that he is loved and missed by so many.  I know that I posted this once already but I found a new video to go with the song "Precious Child" that I want to share in honor of today, my baby's 4 month "angel-versary".



Thank you for taking the time to listen and remember my little boy.

Ethan James Mishler born and died on June 11, 2010

Go Ahead and Laugh!

Okay go ahead and laugh! That is what we did when we saw this picture.  Hubby and I are on our first little getaway since Ethan was born. We are so thankful to the generous coworkers he has who helped pay for this wonderful trip.  My hubby took yesterday and today off so we could have 4 whole days together in the beautiful city of Pacific Grove, CA.  We took our time, had a leisurely morning and did a little grocery shopping before leaving town around 3:00pm.  We arrived in PG around 5:30 checked in and then headed over to Fandango, an Italian restaurant that we had a gift certificate for.  What a wonderful night it was, if you know us at all you know how much we both love our food, and this restaurant had amazing culinary delights at every course!  We started with escargot with a butter garlic sauce for an appetizer (a first for my hubby) then a spinach salad for two and finally the most fantastic scallops with fettuccine you can imagine!! Of course you can't leave this kind of restaurant without dessert so I ordered the chocolate mousse which was to die for and my hubby ordered the grand souffle.  OHHHHHHHH MY GOODNESS! SO GOOD!

To end the evening we drove over to lover's point and sat down on a bench to enjoy the beautiful view in front of us. I decided we should try to take a picture of the two of us. So we of course took out our phone and held it at arm's length for the classic shot.  Of course what I did not take into account was the ridiculously bright flash that our iPhone 4's have.  The picture you see here is the awesome result of this photo.  The minute we saw it hubby and I were in hysterics!  We could not stop laughing!  I would say it was at least a good ten minutes before either of us could speak or breathe properly.  We both laughed until we cried, literally! It was such a wonderful moment, to be together laughing so hard that our sides and stomach's actually ached.  This was the first time since Ethan's birth that we have done that and I am so thankful for it. To be together, without work, or house or animals to worry about, just us and 4 whole days of freedom. What a blessing! This is the one and only post I will be writing this weekend, but I simply couldn't resist sharing this priceless moment with you all.  Hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.

A quiet morning

I sit here on my parents couch this morning surrounded by 4 doggies. All of them vying for my attention and as we settle into the couch with a blanket, enjoying the crispness in the air I begin to think about how different this morning would be if Ethan was here. The cool quiet morning would be instead filled with the sounds of an infant, almost 4 months old. Cooing, and "talking" as little babies do. Perhaps some occasional fussiness over a wet diaper or a hungry little tummy. But mostly I imagine holding him and staring at his big chubby cheeks in awe, totally in love with this tiny little person that we created. Reality is of course so different, here I sit in this quiet room with 4 doggies on my lap instead of little Ethan...sigh what a sad and strange reality I live in.

Service of Remembrance

What a wonderful, yet sad day.  Today my husband and I along with my wonderful parents attended a Service of Remembrance which was put on by the support group we are going to, HAND. (Helping After Neonatal Death). It is for anyone who has lost a child at any time during pregnancy up to 1 year of life. We have met some wonderful people in our particular local chapter and a small group of us were able to go to this very special event. It was held in Saratoga at Skyline Park. It was about 2 hours away so not everyone in our group was able to go. I am so glad and grateful that we were able to. 

First of all the location was absolutely beautiful, I had never even heard of this park until this event, it is up in the mountains just a few miles outside San Jose. So amazing that just a short distance from a hustling city there could be such a beautiful place.  There was picnic tables set up with white table clothes, and a stage set up for speakers and poetry readings. As we arrived we were given tiny ribbons with a little rose on a pin with our child's name printed on them to wear during the service. We were also given a little memento and a candle to bring home with us. Let me remind you all that this is a completely free event run totally by volunteers, what an amazing gift to us, the grieving families!

Then the program began, with opening remarks by the HAND president and then the first music selection was played.  Throughout the program there were poems read, some written by professionals but mostly by other grieving parents who had written them in honor of their child/ren.  There were so many moments that resonated with me, its hard to pick only a few. However there are a few I must share with you particularly the musical selections. At the service they only played the songs there were no visuals but thanks to the wonderful world of YouTube I was able to find video versions for the songs. There was not a dry eye in the place during these songs so make sure you have tissue handy.

This first song is called Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good









The other song that I really loved is called The Promise by Cindy Claussen.









Cindy is actually the writer of this song and also wrote a book for bereaved parents which is talked about at the end of the video. What is amazing is we have this book, it was given to us in the weeks after Ethan's death by a family friend and it is beautiful. I actually carried it in my purse for about a month so I could take it out and read it when I needed to.

So if these videos don't touch your heart, well then you are made of stone! Please feel free to share them within your own blog/facebook/email communities with anyone you like. Thank you to all the wonderful volunteers at HAND who helped make such a beautiful service for all of us and our babies. Love and Hugs to all the baby lost families who were there remembering with us. So sorry we had to meet this way but so grateful to have you all there with us, grieving and supporting one another. My heart is full tonight. To my little boy, Ethan and our first little angel baby Alexis, Mommy and Daddy love and miss you so much. We will fly with you someday!

The Battle

Today is a battle between happy and sad and sad is definitely winning.  I got news today that I knew was coming, I was in fact excited about, my friend delivered her little girl last night.  We have all been praying and thinking about her this month a lot. I am so happy for her and her newly expanded family. She now has a little boy and a girl!. I truly was so excited for her, hoping and praying that all would go well. She and the baby are both happy and healthy.  I am extremely thankful for this.

However, my thankfulness is tempered with this knot in my stomach and an ache in my heart, I have already cried this morning and I am sure there will be more tears to come. This wonderful news, which should be such a joyful thing is so hard for me.... I know that it isn't fair to my friend, but I am not full of joy this morning.  I am weepy, tearful, sniffling, and sobbing each in turn.   I want to turn back the clock to June 10th! I want the doctor to deliver Ethan in time! I want for my little Ethan to be OK!  I want to be able to hold him in my arms and to see him smile, to see his beautiful eyes which I never got to see.  I want to be able to touch his big chubby cheeks, stroke his beautiful red hair and smile at his adorable dimple for more than the few hours I had with him. I want so badly for many things to be different.  But they're not and they never will be.  In my life here on earth I will never be able to do any of those things with my son. I never got to see him smile, or cry or even take a breath.  Its just so unfair I just want to scream!!  Today is going to be a hard day no matter how "happy" it should be. I guess its good that I have my first counseling appointment today, we should have plenty to talk about. I think afterwards I am going to visit my son, in the only place I can, the cemetery. Which is a whole other level of sadness. Sigh....  Thanks for listening, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. 

Names in the Sand/Ethan James Mishler

So excited to share that Ethan's name has been written and photographed on the memorial blog site below:

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2010/09/ethan-james-mishler.html

Please make sure to see this beautiful piece of art made just for him. We are so thrilled with how it turned out. Many thanks to Carly and her family for helping to make such a wonderful memory keepsake for so many hurting families. Thank you is simply not adequate, but it will have to do for now. I leave you with a grateful heart. Goodnight.

My Blog Award!

I received a blog award from one of my Blog BLM Friends!

Thanks so much to Angela from Little Bird

http://angelarodman.blogspot.com/2010/09/blog-award.html

Hugs and Love!

International Babylost Father's Day

I just wanted to make sure to honor all the Babylost Father's out there. September 26th is International Babylost Father's Day. Love to all the Daddy's out there, especially my dear husband. I love you so much!

Some People!!!

There really are some people who simply do not belong in their profession.  This happens in all kinds of careers I know but when it happens in the medical profession it affects peoples lives much more so than other kinds of positions!  I called yesterday to find out about getting couples counseling, we have been through so much, it seems like the smart thing to do right?  So I called the number I was given for mental health services. They said I would receive a call back from a "triage nurse" who would assess my needs. OK fine, not a problem.  This  morning I get a call back, pretty good I thought. So the lady begins her questions, why do you want services? I explain my son died this past June and my husband and I would like to get more information regarding options for couples grief counseling. First thing she says is well we don't offer couples counseling at all, only individual. Then she goes on to say and I quote, "this is for mental health issues like manic depression or other mental illness not life stress issues" 

" LIFE STRESS ISSUES!"  I wanted to tell her, " my son died you *witch* not my freaking goldfish!!!!!

I am glad to say that is not how I responded, although I might have felt better if I did.  Instead I quietly insisted on an apt. so she set me up for a "group orientation" what ever the hell that is. As you can imagine by the end of the conversation I just wanted to scream profanities at her but I did not. After getting off the phone I knew I had to let it go for a while I had plans today, that I was not going to miss. 

So I met my friends for coffee and then to visit Ethan's grave site, which was really special, they had not seen it yet. Then afterwards continued the fun with lunch at the Elephant Bar, yummy! So at least I did not let the evil witchy nurse ruin my plans for the day. Very happy about that!  Then when I got home I knew I had to do something about this morning, it was simply unacceptable behavior.

 So I thought about it and then I remembered I had a card for a wonderful women I knew in member services.  I called her and told her what happened, she was horrified, to say the least!  She also told me that the nurse was incorrect about the counseling policies. I should be able to get individual therapy sessions! After apologizing profusely and promising to take care of the situation she said she would call me back by the end of the day. So about a half hour later I get a call from the supervisor of mental health services who begins with profuse apologies and then lets me know that I have been set up for my first session this week and anytime my husband wanted to join me it would be fine.  Also the horrible nurse had been dealt with as well :)  Ha Ha Ha score one for me!!  It pays to know the right people. 

However I just have to say, that awful woman should be working in a laboratory somewhere in Antarctica, not dealing with patients whose lives are affected every day by her heartless attitude!!

In the end, the important thing is I won, I stood up to the big bad witch (even if it was by going above her) and I am getting what I need but what a battle it was! What if I hadn't had the contact that I did like most people?  I would be sitting here without services angry and bitter!  Granted I still can't believe it happened but at least I was able to do something about it. What about all the people who don't have the know how or ability to advocate for themselves?   Maybe that's what I should be "when I grow up" a patient advocate.  Something to think about anyway.  Well it is getting late and I should get some sleep. Thanks for listening and letting me rant!

My Own Personal Rollercoaster!

WOW its amazing how your day can start out so great and then later just take a giant nose dive and end up a human puddle of tears. Yes that was me today.  I had a great morning with all my friends, went to bible study, had a really good time, fellowship with believers always lifts my spirits.  I love the music and singing as well as studying God's word.  We are doing a study on God's comfort which is oh so appropriate!  We laughed, we teased, we giggled, we cried all in a good day's work in our group.  Then later I got to do a little girl time with one of my girlfriends, we went shopping! Need I say more? I was very good however and only bought a pair of earrings.

 Then headed home to catch up on laundry, and some more reading. (I know big surprise!) On the way in to the house I also got the mail.  In the mail was the billing statement from the hospital.  This in of itself not a big deal, I have been expecting a summary bill to arrive. I was surprised to see we had a balance on our account, I thought we had paid everything. Insurance/billing dept really love to kick you when you're down don't they? As if we hadn't suffered enough here is another reminder and oh by the way you still owe us money. I know, I know they're a business, really that didn't bother me that much.

 I was fine with the woman on the phone, got my questions answered regarding the bill (yes we still owe them a copay) and was getting off the phone when the customer service rep cheerfully said, oh congratulations on your baby!  I could barely squeak out a response, all I could say was "thanks" and I hung up the phone.  Then I was on the floor sobbing uncontrollably, her very simple and well meaning words hit me like a ton of bricks! I have gotten pretty good at preparing for situations, I can talk about Ethan when I know its coming and I am expecting it.  Its the unexpected that bowls me over, no flattens me like a freight train.  This particular crying spell was really strong, I just couldn't stop. I finally decided I needed to call my hubby and have him come home. He is so amazing, as soon as he heard my voice and I got out my 4 words (can you come home?) he was on his way, breaking some speed laws in the process I am sure. He found me where I had been since I got off the phone, on the floor curled up with one of Ethan's stuffed animals, which of course was covered in my tears.

My husband is truly the best husband alive, he is so supportive and loving and kind. He is my "rock" and I could not imagine going through all of this hurt and pain with out him.  He knows how to soothe me and help me calm down and begin to breathe all without saying a word. His embrace says it all without any words necessary.  Thanks to him I am resting and calm tonight, knowing that even through all this pain he is here for me, whenever I need him and I am so thankful. I love you so much my darling husband, you are my everything!

Alexis Renee

All weekend I have been thinking about our first little angel and what she might have looked like and how sad I am that I never got to meet her here on earth. I have been picturing her in my head all weekend, with curly reddish brown hair and bluish green eyes just like her Daddy. If she had lived she would be about 7 months old. She would be starting to eat "real" food and making huge messes in her highchair. So many things would be different in our lives if she was with us. As I have been thinking about her and wondering about so many things I realize that I really don't like having to refer to her as "baby" Mishler or "bump" or "peanut". Children deserve their own name regardless of how long they were with us. Even if I never got to meet her I want to be able to call her by name. So after much thought we have given our first angel baby her name. Alexis Renee. So now when I think about her and Ethan I can call them both by name. I have 2 children, their names are Alexis and Ethan. They just don't live with me right now, but I will see them both again in heaven. Mommy loves you so much!

Reflections on our first loss

As we are continuing to struggle on this path of heartache it amazes me how much our grief for our son also has made me keenly aware of our previous loss.  Last year on our honeymoon in fact (this was a month after our wedding) we found out we were expecting!  How did you know on your honeymoon that you were pregnant, you ask? Well I am such the planner that I brought pregnancy tests with me on our trip, 3 in fact!  It only took 8 days after conception for the pregnancy test to come up positive. With my son Ethan it took 14 days for the pregnancy test to have a positive result! Hormones are different for boys and girls so that is why I believe that our first angel was probably a little girl, but I won't know that until the day I get to heaven. There were never two more excited parents in all the world, this was our "first attempt" at trying so this was not an unexpected blessing but a wonderfully welcome little miracle!  Its amazing how even then you begin to dream and wonder about the amazing little being growing inside you day by day.  I may not have ever been able to "feel" this baby but I knew "she" was in there!  We barely made it home from the airport to my parents before blurting out the wonderful news to them. There was so much to celebrate that night!  A new marriage, a wonderful honeymoon in Italy no less, and now this incredible blessing of expecting a child. 

We made it all the way to our first ob appointment at just under 8 weeks blissfully unaware that anything but perfection would be ahead of us.  We went in and waited excitedly in the waiting room for them to call our name. Finally they called us back only to find out it was just to take my vitals, then back to more waiting!  Eventually we did get to go back  into the exam room and the nurse and doctor came in. They both chatted cheerily as they set me up for the trans vaginal ultrasound.  Then the ugly moment of truth came out. They couldn't find a heartbeat. The doctor was optimistic at this point saying perhaps we had dated the pregnancy wrong and it was earlier than we thought. So we were scheduled to come back the next week, a whole week later! We left the doctor's office and by the time I got to our car I was in tears.  That was truly the longest week of my life up to this point, the unknown is not something I deal well with.

Somehow we made it through that week, although at this point I really don't remember how.  We were back in the waiting room, this time filled with anxiety and dread, such a different perspective from only a week ago. So this time my regular ob was not there, he was on vacation and I saw a midwife instead. Once again we waited anxiously as they tried so hard to find a heartbeat. Just as they were giving up they thought they saw a flash on the monitor that could have been a heartbeat.  The midwife brought in another doctor who also thought he saw a movement of some kind. So now we were in a kind of limbo, was our baby gone or still with us?  They couldn't decide so they made us an appointment for later that afternoon in the radiology department to get the more high tech ultrasound to determine once and for all.

So once again we had to wait, I don't know how we managed to leave and eat a meal, but we did, returning back earlier than we should have, just more waiting. Finally they call my name and me and my husband begin to walk down the hallway when the tech insists that he wait in the waiting room!!  I asked multiple times why he wasn't allowed to accompany me, my husband, my only support system there with me was not allowed in!!!!!!  The tech insisted that it was policy and there simply wasn't room in the exam room for that many people. This was an "emergency" appointment not routine and she needed to be able to do her work.
To make an already awful situation worse she was absolutely horrific throughout the entire exam, hardly said two words to me, didn't let me see the monitor at all and wouldn't give me any information afterward.  Told me that the results would have to be read by my doctor and that he would call me when he got them.

I walked back down the hallway my feet as heavy as lead, still no answers and I had to endure this incredibly insensitive horrible women on top of it! All I wanted to do at that point is go home, so that is what we did. Finally that night, around 6:30pm we got the call, it was not from my regular doctor who was still on vacation but the midwife. She was very nice and asked me, where I was and who I was with, was someone with me. Well right then I knew what she was going to say, no one asks you those kinds of questions when they have good news!  Sure enough she said very gently that she was so sorry but it looked like the baby had just stopped developing around 6 weeks. I really was numb at this point, I had been expecting the worst for two weeks now, so I wasn't really very surprised but I had hoped maybe just maybe my feelings were wrong.  She made me a follow up appointment with my regular doctor to talk about our "next steps" he would be back on Monday from his vacation. Then she said again how sorry she was and we hung up the phone.

I immediately called my Mom and told her. She made plans to fly back from her and Dad's vacation to be with me for my appointment on Monday, I love my Mom sooo much!  I never could have made it through all of this without her love and support.  Hubby and I spent Saturday just being sad, an ache in my heart that just wouldn't go away.  My Mom arrived on Sunday and I was so glad to have her there. I was so dreading Monday.  I did not want to have any kind of procedure done, I was hoping my body would somehow realize what had happened and take over.  After what seemed like years, Monday arrived and my mom and I drove to the doctors office.  Sitting in the waiting room with all those pregnant women was so hard, it was so unfair. 

We went into the exam room and my regular doctor who I love was finally there to talk to.  He was more than willing to go over the results of the exam again with me, to reassure me that they were unfortunately correct.  I then asked what happens now?  "Well he said, this is what I would recommend for someone in my family. You are already almost 10 weeks but your baby stopped developing at 6 weeks and your body hasn't realized it yet. This is called a "missed" miscarriage. You can try waiting and see if your body will naturally miscarry or you can take a pill to speed the process up.  I don't believe in exposing you to the unnecessary risk of a surgical procedure if its not necessary. I think the pill is your best option." So I said OK. That night I took the pills and the cramping began almost immediately and by morning our little angel girl was gone.

Miscarriage is not something that is talked about in society, it is not recognized as a loss by many people, you are expected to "get over it" in a few months time. Well I am here to tell you it is not something anyone ever gets over! After having Ethan, our firstborn son, I am even more aware of the Mommy that I am, to not just one child but two. We never got to meet our first little angel but that does not make her any less significant or less loved. I can thank Ethan for this, for helping me to understand how much I have truly lost, in his very short life time here with us. I love you so much precious boy!  To my little angel girl, Mommy may not have ever gotten to "meet" you here on earth but I will get to meet you in heaven!

Love to both my angel babies, I will love you forever!

Faces of Loss/Faces of Hope

Just wanted to send out a quick FYI that our story was published on Faces of loss/Faces of Hope! Here is the link if you would like to see it.

http://www.facesofloss.com/2010/09/amy-mother-of-ethan-james-mishler-born.html#more

I have also posted the link permanently on my blog under favorite sites.

We are so honored to be able to share Ethan's story with so many other families out there who are also hurting. Thank you to Kristin at Dear Stevie for beginning this amazing site!

My Heart's Song

Whether you are a BLM or not you are sure to cry, so make sure you have some tissue handy. I saw this on another BLM blog and immediately wanted to share it, it was so moving it is truly my heart song! Love to all the Baby Lost Mommies and Daddies out there!

3 Months

Today is 3 months. 

3 months since our little boy was born.
3 months since I saw his beautiful face
3 months since I held him in my arms
3 months since I stroked his hair
3 months since I touched his perfect little hands and feet
3 months since I stared in awe over his big round chubby cheeks

I can't believe its been so long since I got to hold my beautiful son and how much longer it will be until I get to hold him again. Its so unfair. The hurt doesn't "get easier" as the days go by it just feels different, some days are less painful and some days I ache with longing and sadness for my little boy.

This morning we went to see Ethan and show his resting place for the first time to his Auntie and Uncle who just got back into the country this week from over seas missionary work. We finally got his name plaque completed and it is beautiful! We love it!

But it doesn't change the fact that we are here at a cemetery on our sons 3 month "angelversary" instead of celebrating his 3 month milestones and watching him grow and play like we should be.  I miss you so much baby boy! Mommy and Daddy love you so much and we will continue to miss you every day! Thinking of you every day, forever and always.

Rainbow Babies

As I continue on this journey through grief there are lots of new concepts for me to learn. Some of them are sad and some are hopeful. For example us Mommy's who have lost our babies in the blog world we call ourselves BLM's. "Baby Lost Mamas" I have quickly adopted it into my new grief vocabulary.There are actually Baby Lost Mother's Day and Father's Day's which are on different dates than the traditional ones are celebrated on.If you want more info on that there are blog links on my Blog List you can check out.

Another wonderful new term is one that I have read on several other BLM blogs and that is "Rainbow Babies". A rainbow baby is the child you have after suffering the loss of a child. It was explained to me like this.


 "Rainbow Babies is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope." I got this definition off of one of my bloggy friend Trisha's blog so please don't think I wrote it myself!  I loved this explanation so much that I just had to borrow it from her. I love this idea and the visual explanation for this term!

This month, September is one of hope and trepidation for us. This is an important month for us, this is the month we were told by my doctor that we could begin trying again for our own rainbow baby. I am asking for all the BLM's out there as well as my other family and friends to continue to keep us in prayer as we begin again on this roller coaster journey of parenthood.  Regardless of when we begin this journey it will be sure to be a difficult and scary one, full of emotional ups and downs so thank you in advance for all of your love and support!