The Battle

Today is a battle between happy and sad and sad is definitely winning.  I got news today that I knew was coming, I was in fact excited about, my friend delivered her little girl last night.  We have all been praying and thinking about her this month a lot. I am so happy for her and her newly expanded family. She now has a little boy and a girl!. I truly was so excited for her, hoping and praying that all would go well. She and the baby are both happy and healthy.  I am extremely thankful for this.

However, my thankfulness is tempered with this knot in my stomach and an ache in my heart, I have already cried this morning and I am sure there will be more tears to come. This wonderful news, which should be such a joyful thing is so hard for me.... I know that it isn't fair to my friend, but I am not full of joy this morning.  I am weepy, tearful, sniffling, and sobbing each in turn.   I want to turn back the clock to June 10th! I want the doctor to deliver Ethan in time! I want for my little Ethan to be OK!  I want to be able to hold him in my arms and to see him smile, to see his beautiful eyes which I never got to see.  I want to be able to touch his big chubby cheeks, stroke his beautiful red hair and smile at his adorable dimple for more than the few hours I had with him. I want so badly for many things to be different.  But they're not and they never will be.  In my life here on earth I will never be able to do any of those things with my son. I never got to see him smile, or cry or even take a breath.  Its just so unfair I just want to scream!!  Today is going to be a hard day no matter how "happy" it should be. I guess its good that I have my first counseling appointment today, we should have plenty to talk about. I think afterwards I am going to visit my son, in the only place I can, the cemetery. Which is a whole other level of sadness. Sigh....  Thanks for listening, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. 

Names in the Sand/Ethan James Mishler

So excited to share that Ethan's name has been written and photographed on the memorial blog site below:

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2010/09/ethan-james-mishler.html

Please make sure to see this beautiful piece of art made just for him. We are so thrilled with how it turned out. Many thanks to Carly and her family for helping to make such a wonderful memory keepsake for so many hurting families. Thank you is simply not adequate, but it will have to do for now. I leave you with a grateful heart. Goodnight.

My Blog Award!

I received a blog award from one of my Blog BLM Friends!

Thanks so much to Angela from Little Bird

http://angelarodman.blogspot.com/2010/09/blog-award.html

Hugs and Love!

International Babylost Father's Day

I just wanted to make sure to honor all the Babylost Father's out there. September 26th is International Babylost Father's Day. Love to all the Daddy's out there, especially my dear husband. I love you so much!

Some People!!!

There really are some people who simply do not belong in their profession.  This happens in all kinds of careers I know but when it happens in the medical profession it affects peoples lives much more so than other kinds of positions!  I called yesterday to find out about getting couples counseling, we have been through so much, it seems like the smart thing to do right?  So I called the number I was given for mental health services. They said I would receive a call back from a "triage nurse" who would assess my needs. OK fine, not a problem.  This  morning I get a call back, pretty good I thought. So the lady begins her questions, why do you want services? I explain my son died this past June and my husband and I would like to get more information regarding options for couples grief counseling. First thing she says is well we don't offer couples counseling at all, only individual. Then she goes on to say and I quote, "this is for mental health issues like manic depression or other mental illness not life stress issues" 

" LIFE STRESS ISSUES!"  I wanted to tell her, " my son died you *witch* not my freaking goldfish!!!!!

I am glad to say that is not how I responded, although I might have felt better if I did.  Instead I quietly insisted on an apt. so she set me up for a "group orientation" what ever the hell that is. As you can imagine by the end of the conversation I just wanted to scream profanities at her but I did not. After getting off the phone I knew I had to let it go for a while I had plans today, that I was not going to miss. 

So I met my friends for coffee and then to visit Ethan's grave site, which was really special, they had not seen it yet. Then afterwards continued the fun with lunch at the Elephant Bar, yummy! So at least I did not let the evil witchy nurse ruin my plans for the day. Very happy about that!  Then when I got home I knew I had to do something about this morning, it was simply unacceptable behavior.

 So I thought about it and then I remembered I had a card for a wonderful women I knew in member services.  I called her and told her what happened, she was horrified, to say the least!  She also told me that the nurse was incorrect about the counseling policies. I should be able to get individual therapy sessions! After apologizing profusely and promising to take care of the situation she said she would call me back by the end of the day. So about a half hour later I get a call from the supervisor of mental health services who begins with profuse apologies and then lets me know that I have been set up for my first session this week and anytime my husband wanted to join me it would be fine.  Also the horrible nurse had been dealt with as well :)  Ha Ha Ha score one for me!!  It pays to know the right people. 

However I just have to say, that awful woman should be working in a laboratory somewhere in Antarctica, not dealing with patients whose lives are affected every day by her heartless attitude!!

In the end, the important thing is I won, I stood up to the big bad witch (even if it was by going above her) and I am getting what I need but what a battle it was! What if I hadn't had the contact that I did like most people?  I would be sitting here without services angry and bitter!  Granted I still can't believe it happened but at least I was able to do something about it. What about all the people who don't have the know how or ability to advocate for themselves?   Maybe that's what I should be "when I grow up" a patient advocate.  Something to think about anyway.  Well it is getting late and I should get some sleep. Thanks for listening and letting me rant!

My Own Personal Rollercoaster!

WOW its amazing how your day can start out so great and then later just take a giant nose dive and end up a human puddle of tears. Yes that was me today.  I had a great morning with all my friends, went to bible study, had a really good time, fellowship with believers always lifts my spirits.  I love the music and singing as well as studying God's word.  We are doing a study on God's comfort which is oh so appropriate!  We laughed, we teased, we giggled, we cried all in a good day's work in our group.  Then later I got to do a little girl time with one of my girlfriends, we went shopping! Need I say more? I was very good however and only bought a pair of earrings.

 Then headed home to catch up on laundry, and some more reading. (I know big surprise!) On the way in to the house I also got the mail.  In the mail was the billing statement from the hospital.  This in of itself not a big deal, I have been expecting a summary bill to arrive. I was surprised to see we had a balance on our account, I thought we had paid everything. Insurance/billing dept really love to kick you when you're down don't they? As if we hadn't suffered enough here is another reminder and oh by the way you still owe us money. I know, I know they're a business, really that didn't bother me that much.

 I was fine with the woman on the phone, got my questions answered regarding the bill (yes we still owe them a copay) and was getting off the phone when the customer service rep cheerfully said, oh congratulations on your baby!  I could barely squeak out a response, all I could say was "thanks" and I hung up the phone.  Then I was on the floor sobbing uncontrollably, her very simple and well meaning words hit me like a ton of bricks! I have gotten pretty good at preparing for situations, I can talk about Ethan when I know its coming and I am expecting it.  Its the unexpected that bowls me over, no flattens me like a freight train.  This particular crying spell was really strong, I just couldn't stop. I finally decided I needed to call my hubby and have him come home. He is so amazing, as soon as he heard my voice and I got out my 4 words (can you come home?) he was on his way, breaking some speed laws in the process I am sure. He found me where I had been since I got off the phone, on the floor curled up with one of Ethan's stuffed animals, which of course was covered in my tears.

My husband is truly the best husband alive, he is so supportive and loving and kind. He is my "rock" and I could not imagine going through all of this hurt and pain with out him.  He knows how to soothe me and help me calm down and begin to breathe all without saying a word. His embrace says it all without any words necessary.  Thanks to him I am resting and calm tonight, knowing that even through all this pain he is here for me, whenever I need him and I am so thankful. I love you so much my darling husband, you are my everything!

Alexis Renee

All weekend I have been thinking about our first little angel and what she might have looked like and how sad I am that I never got to meet her here on earth. I have been picturing her in my head all weekend, with curly reddish brown hair and bluish green eyes just like her Daddy. If she had lived she would be about 7 months old. She would be starting to eat "real" food and making huge messes in her highchair. So many things would be different in our lives if she was with us. As I have been thinking about her and wondering about so many things I realize that I really don't like having to refer to her as "baby" Mishler or "bump" or "peanut". Children deserve their own name regardless of how long they were with us. Even if I never got to meet her I want to be able to call her by name. So after much thought we have given our first angel baby her name. Alexis Renee. So now when I think about her and Ethan I can call them both by name. I have 2 children, their names are Alexis and Ethan. They just don't live with me right now, but I will see them both again in heaven. Mommy loves you so much!

Reflections on our first loss

As we are continuing to struggle on this path of heartache it amazes me how much our grief for our son also has made me keenly aware of our previous loss.  Last year on our honeymoon in fact (this was a month after our wedding) we found out we were expecting!  How did you know on your honeymoon that you were pregnant, you ask? Well I am such the planner that I brought pregnancy tests with me on our trip, 3 in fact!  It only took 8 days after conception for the pregnancy test to come up positive. With my son Ethan it took 14 days for the pregnancy test to have a positive result! Hormones are different for boys and girls so that is why I believe that our first angel was probably a little girl, but I won't know that until the day I get to heaven. There were never two more excited parents in all the world, this was our "first attempt" at trying so this was not an unexpected blessing but a wonderfully welcome little miracle!  Its amazing how even then you begin to dream and wonder about the amazing little being growing inside you day by day.  I may not have ever been able to "feel" this baby but I knew "she" was in there!  We barely made it home from the airport to my parents before blurting out the wonderful news to them. There was so much to celebrate that night!  A new marriage, a wonderful honeymoon in Italy no less, and now this incredible blessing of expecting a child. 

We made it all the way to our first ob appointment at just under 8 weeks blissfully unaware that anything but perfection would be ahead of us.  We went in and waited excitedly in the waiting room for them to call our name. Finally they called us back only to find out it was just to take my vitals, then back to more waiting!  Eventually we did get to go back  into the exam room and the nurse and doctor came in. They both chatted cheerily as they set me up for the trans vaginal ultrasound.  Then the ugly moment of truth came out. They couldn't find a heartbeat. The doctor was optimistic at this point saying perhaps we had dated the pregnancy wrong and it was earlier than we thought. So we were scheduled to come back the next week, a whole week later! We left the doctor's office and by the time I got to our car I was in tears.  That was truly the longest week of my life up to this point, the unknown is not something I deal well with.

Somehow we made it through that week, although at this point I really don't remember how.  We were back in the waiting room, this time filled with anxiety and dread, such a different perspective from only a week ago. So this time my regular ob was not there, he was on vacation and I saw a midwife instead. Once again we waited anxiously as they tried so hard to find a heartbeat. Just as they were giving up they thought they saw a flash on the monitor that could have been a heartbeat.  The midwife brought in another doctor who also thought he saw a movement of some kind. So now we were in a kind of limbo, was our baby gone or still with us?  They couldn't decide so they made us an appointment for later that afternoon in the radiology department to get the more high tech ultrasound to determine once and for all.

So once again we had to wait, I don't know how we managed to leave and eat a meal, but we did, returning back earlier than we should have, just more waiting. Finally they call my name and me and my husband begin to walk down the hallway when the tech insists that he wait in the waiting room!!  I asked multiple times why he wasn't allowed to accompany me, my husband, my only support system there with me was not allowed in!!!!!!  The tech insisted that it was policy and there simply wasn't room in the exam room for that many people. This was an "emergency" appointment not routine and she needed to be able to do her work.
To make an already awful situation worse she was absolutely horrific throughout the entire exam, hardly said two words to me, didn't let me see the monitor at all and wouldn't give me any information afterward.  Told me that the results would have to be read by my doctor and that he would call me when he got them.

I walked back down the hallway my feet as heavy as lead, still no answers and I had to endure this incredibly insensitive horrible women on top of it! All I wanted to do at that point is go home, so that is what we did. Finally that night, around 6:30pm we got the call, it was not from my regular doctor who was still on vacation but the midwife. She was very nice and asked me, where I was and who I was with, was someone with me. Well right then I knew what she was going to say, no one asks you those kinds of questions when they have good news!  Sure enough she said very gently that she was so sorry but it looked like the baby had just stopped developing around 6 weeks. I really was numb at this point, I had been expecting the worst for two weeks now, so I wasn't really very surprised but I had hoped maybe just maybe my feelings were wrong.  She made me a follow up appointment with my regular doctor to talk about our "next steps" he would be back on Monday from his vacation. Then she said again how sorry she was and we hung up the phone.

I immediately called my Mom and told her. She made plans to fly back from her and Dad's vacation to be with me for my appointment on Monday, I love my Mom sooo much!  I never could have made it through all of this without her love and support.  Hubby and I spent Saturday just being sad, an ache in my heart that just wouldn't go away.  My Mom arrived on Sunday and I was so glad to have her there. I was so dreading Monday.  I did not want to have any kind of procedure done, I was hoping my body would somehow realize what had happened and take over.  After what seemed like years, Monday arrived and my mom and I drove to the doctors office.  Sitting in the waiting room with all those pregnant women was so hard, it was so unfair. 

We went into the exam room and my regular doctor who I love was finally there to talk to.  He was more than willing to go over the results of the exam again with me, to reassure me that they were unfortunately correct.  I then asked what happens now?  "Well he said, this is what I would recommend for someone in my family. You are already almost 10 weeks but your baby stopped developing at 6 weeks and your body hasn't realized it yet. This is called a "missed" miscarriage. You can try waiting and see if your body will naturally miscarry or you can take a pill to speed the process up.  I don't believe in exposing you to the unnecessary risk of a surgical procedure if its not necessary. I think the pill is your best option." So I said OK. That night I took the pills and the cramping began almost immediately and by morning our little angel girl was gone.

Miscarriage is not something that is talked about in society, it is not recognized as a loss by many people, you are expected to "get over it" in a few months time. Well I am here to tell you it is not something anyone ever gets over! After having Ethan, our firstborn son, I am even more aware of the Mommy that I am, to not just one child but two. We never got to meet our first little angel but that does not make her any less significant or less loved. I can thank Ethan for this, for helping me to understand how much I have truly lost, in his very short life time here with us. I love you so much precious boy!  To my little angel girl, Mommy may not have ever gotten to "meet" you here on earth but I will get to meet you in heaven!

Love to both my angel babies, I will love you forever!

Faces of Loss/Faces of Hope

Just wanted to send out a quick FYI that our story was published on Faces of loss/Faces of Hope! Here is the link if you would like to see it.

http://www.facesofloss.com/2010/09/amy-mother-of-ethan-james-mishler-born.html#more

I have also posted the link permanently on my blog under favorite sites.

We are so honored to be able to share Ethan's story with so many other families out there who are also hurting. Thank you to Kristin at Dear Stevie for beginning this amazing site!

My Heart's Song

Whether you are a BLM or not you are sure to cry, so make sure you have some tissue handy. I saw this on another BLM blog and immediately wanted to share it, it was so moving it is truly my heart song! Love to all the Baby Lost Mommies and Daddies out there!

3 Months

Today is 3 months. 

3 months since our little boy was born.
3 months since I saw his beautiful face
3 months since I held him in my arms
3 months since I stroked his hair
3 months since I touched his perfect little hands and feet
3 months since I stared in awe over his big round chubby cheeks

I can't believe its been so long since I got to hold my beautiful son and how much longer it will be until I get to hold him again. Its so unfair. The hurt doesn't "get easier" as the days go by it just feels different, some days are less painful and some days I ache with longing and sadness for my little boy.

This morning we went to see Ethan and show his resting place for the first time to his Auntie and Uncle who just got back into the country this week from over seas missionary work. We finally got his name plaque completed and it is beautiful! We love it!

But it doesn't change the fact that we are here at a cemetery on our sons 3 month "angelversary" instead of celebrating his 3 month milestones and watching him grow and play like we should be.  I miss you so much baby boy! Mommy and Daddy love you so much and we will continue to miss you every day! Thinking of you every day, forever and always.

Rainbow Babies

As I continue on this journey through grief there are lots of new concepts for me to learn. Some of them are sad and some are hopeful. For example us Mommy's who have lost our babies in the blog world we call ourselves BLM's. "Baby Lost Mamas" I have quickly adopted it into my new grief vocabulary.There are actually Baby Lost Mother's Day and Father's Day's which are on different dates than the traditional ones are celebrated on.If you want more info on that there are blog links on my Blog List you can check out.

Another wonderful new term is one that I have read on several other BLM blogs and that is "Rainbow Babies". A rainbow baby is the child you have after suffering the loss of a child. It was explained to me like this.


 "Rainbow Babies is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope." I got this definition off of one of my bloggy friend Trisha's blog so please don't think I wrote it myself!  I loved this explanation so much that I just had to borrow it from her. I love this idea and the visual explanation for this term!

This month, September is one of hope and trepidation for us. This is an important month for us, this is the month we were told by my doctor that we could begin trying again for our own rainbow baby. I am asking for all the BLM's out there as well as my other family and friends to continue to keep us in prayer as we begin again on this roller coaster journey of parenthood.  Regardless of when we begin this journey it will be sure to be a difficult and scary one, full of emotional ups and downs so thank you in advance for all of your love and support!

My Constant Companion

I have come to realize something that I suppose every bereaved parent must, that no matter how we are feeling or what is happening our child will always be with us, never far from our thoughts regardless of our activity. No Matter What. Whether I am brushing my teeth, petting the dog, grocery shopping or eating a meal with my hubby.  Perhaps eventually this will change, maybe someday I will be able to go a whole ten minutes without thinking about my son but today and for many days to come this is the reality I live with. My thoughts cannot be contained or controlled, it just simply is. These thoughts and feelings take different forms. Sometimes it is just a weight that I carry around with me, sometimes I am actively thinking about what I would be doing with Ethan if he had lived. Often I am not thinking any thought at all, just sitting there, listening to other peoples conversations about life and their everyday worries wishing with everything in me that I had these worries too.  Instead my thoughts are of all the firsts we are missing with our beloved Ethan.
 
This weekend I celebrated one of many 'first" holidays. Our very "first" holiday without our son was July 4th. We had planned to go to my hometown and celebrate with my parents. However that proved to be too difficult since it was part of our plans to do this with Ethan. So we ended up going to the city and "disappearing". No one knew us or our pain, we could simply disappear into the crowd and "turn off" for 24 hours. We were somewhat successful with this, escaping I think was good in this case, however one can never truly escape. That night when we went to a fancy seafood restaurant "seemingly safe" we were given the only available table in the very small restaurant right next to a couple with their newborn. That was truly one of the longest meals of my life.

  This time was not a very "special" holiday to my family. In fact there are many times where we do not even all get to see each other for the Labor Day holiday. This particular year however we ended up spending it together. I truly am grateful for my wonderful and loving family who wants so badly to be able to take this hurt from us, but we all know that is just not possible. I am forever grateful for the love and support my family has given us since Ethan died. I can never ever begin to thank them for everything they have done for us. It was so good to see my parents and one of my sisters along with her husband and my niece and nephew this weekend.  We also were able to visit with a long time friend of mine whom I have known since high school and his wife and son who is very close in age to my nephew.  During the day we were often busy with visiting and playing with the kids, especially my darling niece who is growing up way too fast!  The busyness of the days was an effective distraction from my thoughts.  The conversation and kids definitely kept us all busy. Once things had calmed down and the later evening was upon us, it was a different story. 

Conversation continued, often loudly as the wine continued to flow and different topics came up for discussion as it often does in the diverse group of people that we had gathered. This enabled me to just sit and not have to talk or entertain anyone. Instead I settled into my "new normal" sitting and listening and thinking,  My thoughts were all over the place!  Mostly though I was very aware of all the things I was missing out on, without Ethan here.  His first time in a pool, his first BBQ with family and friends all ready to ooh and aw over how perfect he was, how beautiful his perfect little nose was and giant his feet were. This month on the 11th he would have been 3 months old, his personality would have been really starting to show.  I am sure he would have been keeping everyone very busy with his beautiful smiles and probably very loud cries. So many things to miss in such a seemingly simple event, a family BBQ.

 I know there are many more "firsts" ahead of us in this next year. Some of them harder than others. I think about them with trepidation when I realize that even the "simple" gatherings are hard, so much harder will these big milestones be. All I can do is what I continue to do, miss him everyday, and know that I am loved.

New Friends

What an amazing, heartbreaking, riveting three hours! Dave and I just got back from our first HAND support group meeting and it was so good! We both were a little nervous as we walked in not knowing exactly what to expect. We were immediately welcomed with open arms by the coordinator. We sat at a u shaped table and chatted, making small talk while we waited for everyone to arrive.

Then the coordinator began by telling us her story. Each person/couple had the opportunity to share their story and I was on the edge of my seat for each one. They were all so sad. This was such a new, truly breath taking experience for me. Until now all the birth stories I had heard from my friends had happy endings, but none of ours did. My heart ached for each of the mommies there as they told their stories, some with humor, some tears, all with the same sadness in their voice. Each couple had suffered more than any parent ever should. Through all of this sadness though there is also hope.

Immediately I felt like I knew these women, truly they understand my pain in a way no one else can. We got to share Ethan's story in detail from the beginning of our journey out loud. What a relief it was to be able to talk as much as we wanted without worrying about how we were making someone else feel! To be able to share without constantly worrying about making someone uncomfortable, it was like a wall had been torn down.

Something that really surprised me is that I didn't cry when telling our story for the first time. I fully expected to but somehow by the time it came to our turn I knew I wasn't going to cry. I was eager to talk about it, to tell everyone about Ethan's story and all the details leading up to his birth. I guess I was so anxious to share and make sure I included all the details that I never got to that point. I usually can tell if I'm going to cry or not, my throat tightens up, the tears build up and my nose begins to clog up. Then the tears just flow, sometimes a few drops at a time and sometimes in a flood. But tonight I had neither of those, instead just a sense of calm, peace and relief.

Dave also talked a lot and I am so thankful that he felt comfortable enough to share his feelings and perspective in front of strangers.  I think he felt like me that by the end of the night we were no longer strangers. I am sad that we all had to meet this way and that groups like these are even necessary breaks my heart, but I am so grateful that they do.