My Constant Companion

I have come to realize something that I suppose every bereaved parent must, that no matter how we are feeling or what is happening our child will always be with us, never far from our thoughts regardless of our activity. No Matter What. Whether I am brushing my teeth, petting the dog, grocery shopping or eating a meal with my hubby.  Perhaps eventually this will change, maybe someday I will be able to go a whole ten minutes without thinking about my son but today and for many days to come this is the reality I live with. My thoughts cannot be contained or controlled, it just simply is. These thoughts and feelings take different forms. Sometimes it is just a weight that I carry around with me, sometimes I am actively thinking about what I would be doing with Ethan if he had lived. Often I am not thinking any thought at all, just sitting there, listening to other peoples conversations about life and their everyday worries wishing with everything in me that I had these worries too.  Instead my thoughts are of all the firsts we are missing with our beloved Ethan.
 
This weekend I celebrated one of many 'first" holidays. Our very "first" holiday without our son was July 4th. We had planned to go to my hometown and celebrate with my parents. However that proved to be too difficult since it was part of our plans to do this with Ethan. So we ended up going to the city and "disappearing". No one knew us or our pain, we could simply disappear into the crowd and "turn off" for 24 hours. We were somewhat successful with this, escaping I think was good in this case, however one can never truly escape. That night when we went to a fancy seafood restaurant "seemingly safe" we were given the only available table in the very small restaurant right next to a couple with their newborn. That was truly one of the longest meals of my life.

  This time was not a very "special" holiday to my family. In fact there are many times where we do not even all get to see each other for the Labor Day holiday. This particular year however we ended up spending it together. I truly am grateful for my wonderful and loving family who wants so badly to be able to take this hurt from us, but we all know that is just not possible. I am forever grateful for the love and support my family has given us since Ethan died. I can never ever begin to thank them for everything they have done for us. It was so good to see my parents and one of my sisters along with her husband and my niece and nephew this weekend.  We also were able to visit with a long time friend of mine whom I have known since high school and his wife and son who is very close in age to my nephew.  During the day we were often busy with visiting and playing with the kids, especially my darling niece who is growing up way too fast!  The busyness of the days was an effective distraction from my thoughts.  The conversation and kids definitely kept us all busy. Once things had calmed down and the later evening was upon us, it was a different story. 

Conversation continued, often loudly as the wine continued to flow and different topics came up for discussion as it often does in the diverse group of people that we had gathered. This enabled me to just sit and not have to talk or entertain anyone. Instead I settled into my "new normal" sitting and listening and thinking,  My thoughts were all over the place!  Mostly though I was very aware of all the things I was missing out on, without Ethan here.  His first time in a pool, his first BBQ with family and friends all ready to ooh and aw over how perfect he was, how beautiful his perfect little nose was and giant his feet were. This month on the 11th he would have been 3 months old, his personality would have been really starting to show.  I am sure he would have been keeping everyone very busy with his beautiful smiles and probably very loud cries. So many things to miss in such a seemingly simple event, a family BBQ.

 I know there are many more "firsts" ahead of us in this next year. Some of them harder than others. I think about them with trepidation when I realize that even the "simple" gatherings are hard, so much harder will these big milestones be. All I can do is what I continue to do, miss him everyday, and know that I am loved.