Our First Angel Baby

As we are continuing to struggle on this path of heartache it amazes me how much our grief for our son also has made me keenly aware of our previous baby loss.  Last year on our honeymoon in fact (this was a month after our wedding) we found out we were expecting!  How did you know on your honeymoon that you were pregnant, you ask? Well I am such the planner that I brought pregnancy tests with me on our trip, 3 in fact!

It only took 8 days after conception for the pregnancy test to come up positive. With my son Ethan it took 14 days for the pregnancy test to have a positive result! Hormones are different for boys and girls so that is why I believe that our first angel was probably a little girl, but I won't know that until the day I get to heaven. There were never two more excited parents in all the world, this was our "first attempt" at trying so this was not an unexpected blessing but a wonderfully welcome little miracle!  Its amazing how even then you begin to dream and wonder about the amazing little being growing inside you day by day.  I may not have ever been able to "feel" this baby but I knew "she" was in there!  We barely made it home from the airport to my parents before blurting out the wonderful news to them. There was so much to celebrate that night!  A new marriage, a wonderful honeymoon in Italy no less, and now this incredible blessing of expecting a child. 

We made it all the way to our first ob appointment at just under 8 weeks blissfully unaware that anything but perfection would be ahead of us.  We went in and waited excitedly in the waiting room for them to call our name. Finally they called us back only to find out it was just to take my vitals, then back to more waiting!  Eventually we did get to go back  into the exam room and the nurse and doctor came in. They both chatted cheerily as they set me up for the trans vaginal ultrasound.  Then the ugly moment of truth came out. They couldn't find a heartbeat. The doctor was optimistic at this point saying perhaps we had dated the pregnancy wrong and it was earlier than we thought. So we were scheduled to come back the next week, a whole week later! We left the doctor's office and by the time I got to our car I was in tears.  That was truly the longest week of my life up to this point, the unknown is not something I deal well with.

Somehow we made it through that week, although at this point I really don't remember how.  We were back in the waiting room, this time filled with anxiety and dread, such a different perspective from only a week ago. So this time my regular ob was not there, he was on vacation and I saw a midwife instead. Once again we waited anxiously as they tried so hard to find a heartbeat. Just as they were giving up they thought they saw a flash on the monitor that could have been a heartbeat.  The midwife brought in another doctor who also thought he saw a movement of some kind. So now we were in a kind of limbo, was our baby gone or still with us?  They couldn't decide so they made us an appointment for later that afternoon in the radiology department to get the more high tech ultrasound to determine once and for all.

So once again we had to wait, I don't know how we managed to leave and eat a meal, but we did, returning back earlier than we should have, just more waiting. Finally they call my name and me and my husband begin to walk down the hallway when the tech insists that he wait in the waiting room!!  I asked multiple times why he wasn't allowed to accompany me, my husband, my only support system there with me was not allowed in!!!!!!  The tech insisted that it was policy and there simply wasn't room in the exam room for that many people. This was an "emergency" appointment not routine and she needed to be able to do her work.

To make an already awful situation worse she was absolutely horrific throughout the entire exam, hardly said two words to me, didn't let me see the monitor at all and wouldn't give me any information afterward.  Told me that the results would have to be read by my doctor and that he would call me when he got them.

I walked back down the hallway my feet as heavy as lead, still no answers and I had to endure this incredibly insensitive horrible women on top of it! All I wanted to do at that point is go home, so that is what we did. Finally that night, around 6:30pm we got the call, it was not from my regular doctor who was still on vacation but the midwife. She was very nice and asked me, where I was and who I was with, was someone with me. Well right then I knew what she was going to say, no one asks you those kinds of questions when they have good news!  Sure enough she said very gently that she was so sorry but it looked like the baby had just stopped developing around 6 weeks. I really was numb at this point, I had been expecting the worst for two weeks now, so I wasn't really very surprised but I had hoped maybe just maybe my feelings were wrong.  She made me a follow up appointment with my regular doctor to talk about our "next steps" he would be back on Monday from his vacation. Then she said again how sorry she was and we hung up the phone.

I immediately called my Mom and told her. She made plans to fly back from her and Dad's vacation to be with me for my appointment on Monday, I love my Mom sooo much!  I never could have made it through all of this without her love and support.  Hubby and I spent Saturday just being sad, an ache in my heart that just wouldn't go away.  My Mom arrived on Sunday and I was so glad to have her there. I was so dreading Monday.  I did not want to have any kind of procedure done, I was hoping my body would somehow realize what had happened and take over.  After what seemed like years, Monday arrived and my mom and I drove to the doctors office.  Sitting in the waiting room with all those pregnant women was so hard, it was so unfair. 

We went into the exam room and my regular doctor who I love was finally there to talk to.  He was more than willing to go over the results of the exam again with me, to reassure me that they were unfortunately correct.  I then asked what happens now?  "Well he said, this is what I would recommend for someone in my family. You are already almost 10 weeks but your baby stopped developing at 6 weeks and your body hasn't realized it yet. This is called a "missed" miscarriage. You can try waiting and see if your body will naturally miscarry or you can take a pill to speed the process up.  I don't believe in exposing you to the unnecessary risk of a surgical procedure if its not necessary. I think the pill is your best option." So I said OK. That night I took the pills and the cramping began almost immediately and by morning our little angel girl was gone.

Miscarriage is not something that is talked about in society, it is not recognized as a loss by many people, you are expected to "get over it" in a few months time. Well I am here to tell you it is not something anyone ever gets over! After having Ethan, our firstborn son, I am even more aware of the Mommy that I am, to not just one child but two. We never got to meet our first little angel, she was with us only 6 weeks but that does not make her any less significant or less loved. I can thank Ethan for this, for helping me to understand how much I have truly lost, in his very short life time here with us. I love you so much precious boy! 

I have been thinking about our first little angel and what she might have looked like and how sad I am that I never got to meet her here on earth. I have been picturing her in my head all weekend, with curly reddish brown hair and bluish green eyes just like her Daddy. If she had lived she would be about 7 months old. She would be starting to eat "real" food and making huge messes in her highchair. So many things would be different in our lives if she was with us. As I have been thinking about her and wondering about so many things I realize that I really don't like having to refer to her as "baby" Mishler or "bump" or "peanut". Children deserve their own name regardless of how long they were with us. Even if I never got to meet her I want to be able to call her by name. So after much thought we have given our first angel baby her name. Alexis Renee. So now when I think about her and Ethan I can call them both by name. I have 2 children, their names are Alexis and Ethan. They just don't live with me right now, but I will see them both again in heaven. Mommy loves you so much and I will love you forever and ever!