Our First Christmas

Well I know this is a little late, New Year's is just a few days away but I still wanted to share with you all about our Christmas.  First of all I have to send a big thank you out to my parents who were so wonderful in helping us decide what/how and when we wanted to celebrate and to be flexible with all of it for us.  I know we also had many many people praying for us during this holiday season and we are more thankful than we could ever say for the love and support we have received. 

So our family has two Christmas gatherings, one with extended family and all the aunts uncles and cousins come to that one. It is always the week before Christmas.  We decided originally that we wanted to go to this gathering but perhaps we would arrive late so as to avoid all the children opening their gifts.  So that was the plan, but as you know plans never turn out like you think they will.  Due to unforeseen changes in the arrival of some of the younger children we arrived late for no good reason.  The gifts could not be opened without all the children there so we ended up being a witness to the mayhem.  I have to say, it really was good, I was glad we were there.  The youngest kiddo was 2 years old so really there wasn't any real triggers for us.  Over all a very nice evening with family, which I am grateful for.

Moving on to actual Christmas time, I got to go with my parents on the 23rd with my sister on a Christmas Lights tour of San Francisco! It was lots of fun, cold but we had a great time seeing the city from a new perspective.  Then we went to dinner and got to visit just the 4 of us (my folks and sis and me) which was a rare treat indeed! Then we headed home and snuggled on the couch with the puppies and visited some more before going to bed for the night. My hubby joined us the next morning and we had a nice relaxing day, no plans no rushing around just spending time together with our family. My dad always makes a huge Christmas feast so we decided that this year for Christmas Eve we would go out to dinner at nice restaurant in town so that we wouldn't have to make a big mess in the kitchen.  It was a wonderful evening full of family, good food, and best of all no stress!

Christmas Day was more of the same, and I am so thankful!  We decided to have a quiet relaxing Christmas, no rushing around or tons of people just those closest to us, to help celebrate and remember in our own ways. We had a wonderful and yummy Christmas dinner with all kinds of goodies, thanks to my Dad the fabulous chef! Seriously stuffed by the end of the night, soo good!

 We have been so blessed with family and friends who made us wonderful ornaments for Ethan and Alexis.  They are up on our tree and it really helped me know that my children were thought about, remembered and missed this Christmas and it made all the difference in the world to me.  Over all it was just what we needed and I am truly thankful to my parents and sister for helping us to continue our grief journey through the holidays as gently as possible.  I wanted to share the beautiful ornaments we received so here are some pictures. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who blessed us with one of these.

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HI All!

Just a quick reminder to make sure and follow me on my new blog to get updates on our little rainbow!  I posted one today for 12 weeks. So check it out and be sure to follow me there! Thanks for all the love and support!

Ami

Wonderful and Exciting News!

Hi Everyone,

We have some very exciting news to share with you all. Please visit my new blog to hear all about it!

Hugs!

Ami

Our Hawaii Trip

I wanted to share some of the pictures from our amazing trip to Hawaii with all of my blog friends as well as my IRL friends!  So here is just a small sample from our amazing trip! Hope you enjoy.

Truly the trip of a lifetime! Highly recommend it if you ever get the chance to go, do it!

6 Months ( a few days late)

I was on a plane coming back from a much needed vacation with my hubby on the 11th and this is the first opportunity I've had since getting home to sit down and write. I found this on another BLM blog and wanted to share it in honor of Ethan's 6 month angelversary. The author is unknown.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I know this is a rough time for you so I will be as gentle as I can be. First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in us. As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only. Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work at someone else's timetable.

Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently and yearn for my return. Do this with courage and my blessings. Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible. Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me and renewing your commitments to life.

It's okay with me if you go through minutes, hours and even days not thinking of me. I know that you'll never forget. Losing me and grabbing hold of a new meaning in your life is a delicate art. I'm not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it's a combination.

Be with people who accept you as you are. Mention my name out loud and if they don't make hasty retreat, they're probably excellent candidates for friendship.

If, by a remote possibility, you think that there is anything you could have done for me and didn't, I forgive you. Resentment does not abide here, only love.

You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I am still yours and you are still my mother. Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you.

I know how you feel inside. Read, even though your tears anoint the pages. In Henri Nowens' book "Out of Solitude" he writes, "the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair and confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

I want you to know that I am okay and that I have sent you messages to ease your pain. They come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices and visions and sometimes through your friends and even strangers who volunteer as angels.

Stay open but don't expect the overly dramatic. You will get what you need and it may be simple as an internal feeling of peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted.

Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, and if they have done their grief work, they are an inspiration and a beacon of hope for you.

There are still funny things happening in our world. It delights me to no end to hear your spontaneous laughter.

Mommy and Daddy, I will always be in your heart. Today I will light a candle for you. When you light your candle for me their light will shine above the darkness.

Love,
 
Your Baby
 
Author unknown

What a powerful letter! I have had mixed feelings these last few days, on the one hand we just came back from an amazing vacation in Hawaii which we were so blessed to be able to do, yet I am still struggling with all the should have beens. With Ethan's 6 month angelversary just passed and Christmas bearing down on us like a freight train I am feeling a little like the deer who is caught in the headlights.  Please believe that I know how much I have to be thankful for and so much to be grateful of but even all those blessings don't take away the ache and the loss that I continue to carry with me, most days quietly without any outward signs, but its always with me. 

The ebb and flow of grief is very different than anything else I have ever experienced.  Example being our vacation, we had an amazing time!!!  We loved every minute of our vacation, and while I definitely thought about my precious Ethan it was just for a few minutes off and on during the day.  I was able to truly enjoy this vacation, my heart felt lighter than it has in a very long time, and for this I am truly grateful.  We had such a good time that we are already planning a return trip for spring 2012!   Truly a joyous event.

Yet I return home and Christmas is everywhere!  It is impossible to think about Christmas and not feel sad because our Ethan will not be with us.  He should be here celebrating Christ's birthday with us but instead he is celebrating with the King himself.  Part of me is truly glad, he is happy and well and has never known anything but love ever during his entire life both here and in heaven. But the other part of me, is still sad that he is not here to be loved by all the family and friends he has here who are missing him. 

I know Ethan will be remembered and missed by so many this Christmas.  If you are wondering how to remember or honor Ethan this first Christmas, I would love it if you would consider buying a toy in memory of Ethan. Then you could donate it in his memory to a local charity in your area. If I will be seeing you this Christmas season you could of course simply bring the toy to me and I would be happy to bring it to one of our local children's charities.  I would love it if you let me know in a note either via email or mail if you are able to do this. It would make this mommy's heart so very happy.  In the mean time please continue to keep us in your prayers during this difficult holiday season.  Thank you to all of my dear family and friends who continue to hold us up as we travel through this grief journey.

Processing and Catching up!

Hi All,

It has been so long since I've written on here!  I missed it, but somehow I have just needed to be away from blogging for a little bit. So now I am back to fill you in on November and Thanksgiving.  It was a busy month for our family, we have four immediate family birthdays in November.  My dad, my sister, me and my nephew are all with in a two week period! The 7th, 14th 18th and 21st.  So this year we decided we needed simply due to time issues to combine them into one family birthday. So we did, all gathered on the weekend of the 13th at my sisters house.  I will say most of the birthday celebration was focused on my nephew who turned 2 years old and that was fine with me!  This year I wasn't in much of a mood to celebrate my birthday anyway.  It was great to be with all the family and visit outside of a holiday event.  My hubby and I also treated ourselves to a hotel instead of a air mattress on the floor at my sisters which as so nice! 

Over all it was a really fun weekend, my nephew just won't stop growing up, way too fast! He is so darn cute!  The only challenge for the weekend was when some family videos were pulled out. They were of my niece's first birthday. She was adorable and cute of course but both my hubby and I couldn't help but think about the fact that we will never have that for Ethan, all these firsts that we will never have. Its funny how things can affect you. We made it through the evening just fine, but then back at the hotel we were both just down, so we curled up in bed, we are good at that and snuggled until we fell asleep.  The next day was beautiful, we went for a walk at a local park, it was so nice. Truly a gorgeous day.  Everything was literally picture perfect except of course that Ethan was missing as he will be from every family gathering.  I am thankful though for the time spent with my family and a beautiful day in God's creation.

The next big event in November is of course Thanksgiving. In our family we traditionally have it at my parent's house.  My Dad is an amazing cook!! We are very spoiled every year with his mouthwatering dishes. This year my parent's were/are in the middle of a bathroom remodel.  So it was decided the weekend before thanksgiving that we would have it at our house!  Not as stressful as one might think though (at least for me) because my Dad was still going to do the cooking. Bless his heart, he brought all the food and half his kitchen including buying a smoker to my house.  I loved having everyone at my house, it truly was a blessing to not have to travel and sleep in my own bed! Plus I really do enjoy hosting regardless of the occasion. 

So Thanksgiving day was actually pretty good, lots of people and things to keep us distracted. The only moment that was a little hard was when we all sat down for our meal and I looked around at all the people I love and realizing that Ethan should have been here too.  But we made it through, had a wonderful meal, ate way to much as usual and all around enjoyed ourselves. 

So the hard part actually came that night and into the next morning. My sister and her kiddos have stayed over lots of times at our house since Ethan died and there has not been any issues for us. We love our niece and nephew dearly!  I have even used the nursery as a nap time area for my nephew in his porta-crib, happy that it was getting some use.  So it was not even a second thought when with ten people staying at our house my sister asked where to set up his crib for the night. I said the nursery would  be fine.  Sometimes you just can't prepare for how things affect you.  I got home very late in the morning from black Friday shopping with my sisters. (we left at midnight and returned around 3:30am) Crawled into bed only to realize that my hubby was still awake.  He was really upset, more than I had seen him in quite a few months. I asked him what was wrong and he just kind of blurted out.  "He woke up crying in the nursery!" We should be hearing our son crying not someone else's was my first thought.  It just had not even occurred to me, oh yeah dummy he still wakes up at night, and cries! Not even 30 minutes had gone by since I got home and he was crying again. It was excruciating to watch my hubby in so much pain.  All we could do was hold each other and cry, for all we lost and all we were missing.  What an awful night!

The next moring we were still very drained and sad, between my late night shopping and the events of the night once I got home I think I got about 4 hours sleep.  We attempted to get up and be social for a while but we ended up back in bed. More tears and crying. I hate feeling so torn.  I wanted to see my family yet all I wanted to do was curl up in bed with my hubby and let the tears come.  Mom came in a little while later, she is always good at comforting me. She said what ever we needed was fine, however they could help lift us up even a little they would do.  So we decided to go and visit Ethan, that always helped me somehow.  So finally we got dressed. My sister, her hubby and the kiddos had left already.  We got ready and finally made our way to the car.  We went to the store and got a beautiful bouquet and Balloon for Ethan with a harvest design on it.  By the time we arrived I was feeling better as I usually do.  We cleaned off his plaque and set up his flower/balloon arrangement. It was beautiful.  It was nice to be there with my parents and younger sister. She had not seen his plaque yet. Also my grandmother from out of state was with us as well.  This was her first visit to the cemetery.  It was a really special time. Here are a few pictures from our visit.

Happy Thanksgiving to my precious little boy, Mommy and Daddy love you so much!!