Answers!

The hours, days, weeks and now months have passed in this bizarre fashion, like I am in a time warp that got scrambled up some how.  In many ways it seems like this horrible tragedy happened just yesterday and yet when I look at the date on the calendar it has been weeks and weeks!  So much hurt and sadness!! I truly didn't realize one person could hurt and cry and suffer so much as we have these past weeks.

To compound our hurt we finally found out the reason why our precious boy is not here with us.  It was not as we thought some mysterious unknown but a very sad and ugly reality.Our baby boy died from meconium aspiration which could have easily been prevented if he had only been delivered earlier.  The medical staff missed the signs of fetal distress on the monitors for Ethan.  He should have been delivered 8 hours earlier and if he was then the delivery would have been fine, he had no other reason not to survive his delivery except the meconium aspiration.  Living with the knowledge that your firstborn son died is hard enough, knowing that his death was caused by the people responsible for our care is beyond comprehension!

We found out all of this information at a meeting on July 7th with our providers where they shared this information with us and my Mom and Aunt who went to the meeting with us.  I have never been in such a difficult and sad meeting in all my life, truly I can't imagine what that must have been like for the providers of our care, knowing what they did and choosing to come and tell us face to face what had happened.  I will be forever grateful for their thoroughness, honesty, and caring that they showed us at this meeting.

It didn't change the fact though that our son was not here with us due to someone else's negligence! Some one screwed up and that is why our baby is dead!  How can this still be happening in this day and age?  With all the technology and advances in medicine how is it possible that babies are still lost because of human stupidity??  I still even now sometimes can't believe it happened, even though I see our reality every day. It did happen though, and there is nothing I can ever do to change that. I can relive the nightmare as many times as I want, thinking about all the "if only I had done this or said that!" scenarios but it will never change the horrible fact that our son is gone.