You Never Know When!

One thing I have learned on my grief journey these past 7 months is that grief is a chaotic and unpredictable creature.  Some days are pretty good, even joyful at times, which I am so thankful for!  Other days are kinda of in between where you aren't a mess but you simply can't be happy and are weepy most of the day.  Then there are the events or activities that you know are coming and think you are prepared for. Really though, who truly can really be prepared for all the emotions that can and do envelop you on those hard days?  Then my least favorite and most difficult part of the grief journey is the sneak attacks.  Where you are going along your day just fine and all of a sudden, WHAM you are hit with something unexpected and you go from "just fine" to being hit by a freight train with no warning whatsoever! Those are the hardest and most draining parts of my grief journey.  I had two different experiences this last week with both the "prepared event" and a "sneak attack".

Last Wednesday was my first one, the "I know this is coming" activity.  I had been wanting for a while to watch Ethan's 3D video that we did for him at 29 weeks. I had not watched it since I was 8 months pregnant with Ethan.  I had a specific reason for wanting to watch it, besides just seeing my little boy, I also wanted to record his heartbeat which was on the video.  So I had been "preparing" myself to be ready to watch the video for a few weeks before I finally was brave enough to put the video in on Wednesday and watch it.  Well as I said before no one can truly "prepare" themselves for the emotions of grief, no matter how much they try.  Not two minutes into the 20 minute video and I was sobbing, not crying but sobbing like I had not in many months.  I sobbed through the entire video, the tears just would not stop.  The sight of my beautiful little boy alive, healthy and happy was heart wrenching and almost more than I could take.  On top of all of this the audio to the video has music playing throughout (classical) which is very beautiful but it also recorded over the audio for Ethan's heartbeat so I do not have any recording of Ethan's heartbeat, the finality of this knowledge just crushed me.  I had wanted to record it because I had made him a special teddy bear that I could put his heart beat into and now I can't.  So unfair.

My other big grief experience was this last week was ironically at church. A "sneak attack"  Not any one's fault, just one of  those unfortunate things, a miscommunication.  My husband and I are part of our Church's Saturday night contemporary worship service.  We are both vocalists on the worship team. My hubby has been and still is sick with some kind of throat thing. Anyway he was not at church Saturday because of it.  We went through our usual hour of practice ahead of time before the service, everything went fine. 

Then the church started filling up, earlier than usual and with more people.  I had noticed earlier a very small little baby a few rows back but didn't think anything of it, little ones don't really bother me anymore. I know they are not Ethan, I am not begrudging anyone the joy of a baby, especially a healthy one!  However a few more minutes passed and I began to realize why there were so many people here. I asked one of the other team members if she knew anyone and she said no but she thought they were here for a baptism and then she pointed to the little baby I had seen earlier.  As soon as I put this together I got up walked/ran out of the church to the bathroom where I sobbed and sobbed in the bathroom stall, aching for little Ethan and the baptism that would never be for him.  It was probably a good 15 minutes before I could begin to pull myself together, then I went quietly back into the sanctuary via the side door and talked/sobbed to one of our pastors telling him that there was no way I could sit through a baby baptism. 

He tried so hard to comfort me, I truly appreciate his efforts but really unless you have been through it, you just can't comfort someone the way they need to be.  At this point only God could comfort me. So I had him pray with me and he did a good job, slowly I began to breath more calmly and the sobbing slowed and then eventually ceased.  I had him walk with me to the adjacent chapel which is attached to the sanctuary so I could regain my composure and not have to watch the baptism. 

I am finally calm and our other pastor came to check on us, wondering what was going on, (I had missed the first two opening songs).  Once it was explained to him he quickly told us that we had been misinformed there was no baby baptism tonight, only adults. So I went through this awful gut wrenching train wreck for no reason!!!!
Slightly stunned but very relieved I took a few more minutes and then the pastor and I made our way back up on stage and much to my amazement I was able to sing through the rest of the service! I did have to make sure that I only looked at my music, I know that if I had looked out into the audience and seen any of my dear friends I would have started bawling again. But I didn't and I made it through.  That was no accident, I know the Lord had a hand in it. 

I made it through the service and was even able to chat with a few of my dear friends after (they knew me well enough to know I something was up) and was able to tell them what happened without breaking down. Then I finally drove home and collapsed on the couch and bawled again as I told my dear husband what had happened.  We spent the rest of the evening curled up on the couch, sometimes talking but mostly just being together and eventually vegging out on a TV show, thank God for brainless television!
Well that's it for now, I know this is an unusually long post but I find that lately my "need" to write has been less and so sometimes it takes me awhile to sit down and get it all out. 

Thanks for reading,

Ami

7 Months

WOW I can't believe its been 7 months since my sweet Ethan was born, how is it that time has passed so quickly and yet soooo slowly? I continue to love and miss my sweet boy every day.  Some days I feel like I aged a decade since Ethan died.  Other days I look at the calendar and wonder where did the time go?  I have been reflecting on my grief journey lately and where I am at and how grateful I am for where I am at.  Recently I was talking to my hubby and we both agreed that even though all choices have their challenges and sacrifices we are very thankful that I have been able to be a stay at home Mom to all of my children. 

For as long as I have been home and not working I have been pregnant (about 18 months and counting) except for this last summer but even then I was still Ethan's mommy, he just isn't here with me. Also one month in the summer of 09 after losing Alexis before getting pregnant with Ethan.  As I look back on the past 7 months I am more thankful than I can ever say that I was able to be at home and take of myself, my hubby and our family.  I know that many mommies are not as fortunate as me and they have to go back to work, sometimes much too soon.  I know in my heart that if I was forced to go back to a job I would have had a much harder time processing and dealing with my pain and grief.  It would have gotten shoved or "stuffed" inside and I would have just ignored my pain and made myself too busy. 

Instead I was given the wonderful opportunity to focus on myself, something we rarely do enough of in this life.  I was able to face the pain, be in it, not run from it, as many women do whether they realize it or not.  So today as I look back at the hardest 7 months of my life I am thankful for so many things, but especially thankful that my wonderful and loving husband has been able to support me not just emotionally but financially as well so that I can continue this journey as a stay at home Mom, both to my angel babies and in a little less than 6 months also to my earthly child as well. I love you so much sweetheart! 

Ami

Missing You

My Dearest Ethan

My sweet darling boy, I miss you so.  Even though a lot has happened since you died and now we are expecting your little brother or sister it doesn't mean that Mommy ever stops missing you and all the things that should have been. I was talking to your Noni last night, it was a good talk. About how overall I am doing pretty well, considering and that I am really enjoying giving back to others in your memory.  I have met some incredible angel mommies thanks to you. I am thankful for that and for all of the wonderful people who are a part of our lives.  They help to honor and remember you with me and it really helps my heart not hurt quite so badly, at least some of the time.

Today I wanted to go and visit you but this yucky weather we have been having really does not make for good visits. So I opened up your memory chest and looked at your pictures and read cards that people had written us.  While looking at some of your ultrasound pictures I realized that tomorrow January 8th will be a year to the day exactly that we went for your gender scan appointment when you were 18 weeks 4 days in Mommy's tummy.  A whole year has passed since we found out that you were a little boy, we were so excited, your Daddy especially!  I look at those pictures and can't help but smile even though they make my heart ache so badly.  You were such a cutie even then!  I don't have much else to tell you today other than I am missing you my son and I love you always.

Love,

Mommy