5 Months

Wow what a roller coaster this journey has been for us.  Slowly we are creeping back toward some sort of normalcy. We are having a lot more good days now then bad, which I have mixed feelings about too.  Today is  another month gone by, 5 months now since we said goodbye to our sweet little Ethan. Its hard to believe that it has been so long, that in just one more month it will be 6 and Christmas will be upon us very soon. Its hard  to imagine in our current reality how different our life would be right now if Ethan was still with us.We definitely would be sleeping less and a lot more tired!  He would be 5 months old, cooing and  perhaps starting to giggle, maybe even a tooth or two by now if he follows in the family tradition. I think about all the things we are missing with him and it just makes my heart ache, the sadness that is usually just a quiet passenger today is loud and persistent like an overbearing relative who just won't go away!

This has been a interesting morning, I really thought today was  going to be OK, a "normal" granted sad day but I would  continue about my morning and routine as planned. I even talked to my MIL who is so sweet to call almost every month on this day to see how we are doing. I was good. Able to talk and make plans etc.  Got of the phone and  back onto facebook, because of course that's what everyone does first thing in the morning, right? Anyway point being I was moving along just fine when I decided to update my status with a note to Ethan remembering him on his day.  I wrote it, posted and then almost as if by sneak attack the tears  and crying began and didn't stop.  I cried in my bed, then in the bathroom, while trying to recover and blow my nose which always turns into a snot factory, and then again in the shower while attempting to continue with my morning they came again, in relentless waves.  I will never stop missing my son but truly I was surprised at how this  wave just hit me bam!

I guess I should not have planned on this being a "normal" day for me. No matter how much we think we may have things "together" there will always be moments and  days I am learning that just take us for a ride. All we can do is hold on and hope that it doesn't last too long. Please be thinking of our little family today as we continue to muddle through this messy thing called grief. Thanks for all the love and prayers.

Ami

A Joyful Heart

Its funny, never in the past 5 months would I have imagined that I would be posting a blog about being joyful, but I am so glad that I get to share my joy with you all today.  If you know me in person at all you know that I have always been a "caretaker".  It truly makes my heart go pitter patter to be able to help someone in need, to let them know that they are loved and people care about them. I have always been the girl who carries her heart on her sleeve, if I feel strongly about something or I am involved in something I never do things half way, always 110%  That is also I think why the blog community has been such a wonderful gift for me, I can talk with and relate with women all over the world who suffer the same pain that I do.  We can share in a way that truly no one else can.  That is why in the last month I decided I wanted to help BL M's in a more official way in my own community. So I signed up to be a phone volunteer for my local support group.  I am now the primary person for responding to phone calls from other new BL M's in the central valley! 

Today was the first time I actually got to talk to someone.  It was truly an amazing experience, my heart is overflowing with thankfulness and  joy that I have been able to help and reach out to another BLM who is  hurting so badly from her very recent loss.  I know all too well  that especially in the first month or two all you want to do is talk to someone who understands your pain. I found that through the blogging community but many mommies do not have this wonderful resource available to them.  Talking to this woman about her loss and allowing her to share her story was so rewarding in so many ways I am having trouble expressing all that I am feeling.  Through this phone call I once again realized just how blessed I am to have the support of all of my dear family and friends who have walked this road with me. Who talk about Ethan, remember him and love him.  I can never thank you all enough for giving me this blessing. 

Many people do not have this kind of support, they have to travel though this journey alone.  My heart aches for all the mommies out there who do not have a support system to help them through their grief journey. That is why my new role as a phone volunteer is so meaningful to me.  It allows me to reach out and be a means of support for mommies out there who have no one else they can turn to.  Most of my job is just to listen, however I also have opportunities to talk about Ethan as well, sharing my experience which I believe also helps people to open up.  Of course my ultimate goal is to also get them to a support group meeting where they will meet many other mommies and daddies who have struggled down the same very difficult path as them. No one's  journey is exactly the same because we are all created as  individuals and our children are all unique.  However we have all experienced the same horrible pain of losing a child or children.

So this new role for me is both rewarding for me and also a way to honor my precious little Ethan.  Because Ethan died from meconium aspiration and not from a specific cause like SIDS, I have had a hard time finding a way to be "involved" with a group to honor his memory.  This is my way of doing that, of making a small difference hopefully to many hurting families throughout the central valley for many years to come.  Thanks for sharing my joy with me!

Ami

Our First Halloween Weekend

Well we survived the weekend. Actually I think we did more than survive, we made sure to take care of ourselves!  There are many opinions out there on how we should have spent it, but we knew what was best for us and our little family.  For starters, something most of you in my blog world don't know is that I'm a huge Giants Fan! So we had all kinds of awesome distraction this weekend since they are in the world series! Saturday I spent most of the day and into the evening in my Giants gear cheering and yelling at the TV.  However it did not seem to do much good, they lost that night 4-2.  The rest of the evening was spent with my hubby and his mom who is an amazing woman of God.  She and her husband are full time missionaries in Cambodia 9 months out of the year. So it is very special when we get to spend time with her. 

She is here right now talking at churches and trying to raise awareness for their mission work.  As our visit continued we got to talking about Ethan as we usually do with family and she told us something that brought me to tears.  She talks about Ethan when she speaks to churches!! People all over the country and the world know about him, her beautiful little grandson, our son. There is nothing that makes this Mama's heart happier than to know that he is being remembered and his life story shared in such a special way.  I am so thankful that she is taking the time to honor my son in such a beautiful way. That his life, his story will be heard by hundreds, if not thousands of people. His very short life is making a difference in people's lives and in God's kingdom all over the world!! Who would have ever imagined that our little boy would effect the lives of so many people, even though he was here for such a very short time with us.  This has lifted my heart, even though I am still sad and of course we all have our moments of hurt. Just this knowledge has helped me tremendously this weekend.

Then Sunday came.  As I said before there were different opinions on how we should spend our day. Some thought we should "get out" and join in the local festivities of our church. They were hosting a fall festival which is a great family friendly alternative to going trick or treating. However my hubby and I decided that we wanted to help contribute however we did not think it would be wise to take part on the actual day.  I mean really, lets think about this people! We have no living children, we lost our little boy almost 5 months ago, so no I don't think going to watch other families enjoy this child centered holiday with their children was a good idea! So instead we helped with set up on Friday. That way Sunday the day of Halloween could be spent doing whatever we wanted. 

It was truly a beautiful day, the weather was gorgeous! We decided it would be a perfect day to go and visit Ethan, also taking along "W" my hubby's mom.  We picked her up on the way out and arrived shorty after.  The baby garden was overflowing with all the decorations that families had put up for their beloved babies.  They were so beautiful! There were even a few little presents left for Ethan by other families, a white pumpkin and a tiny little plastic pumpkin with some candies in it. It again filled my Mama's heart with joy to see other's taking the time to remember our precious Ethan along with their own babies. It was a perfect afternoon, we spent about an hour there, talking, remembering and also looking at all the beautiful things that people had done for their babies. I loved it! Here are some pictures from our visit!

Finally we felt like it was time to go so we said our goodbyes to our sweet angel and then took mom back home. We both knew we were not up for trick or treaters tonight, we hadn't even bought candy!

So we decided to stop for an early dinner at a local pizza/grill place.  They also had flat screens all over the restaurant so we were able to eat our yummy food and watch game 4 of the World Series!  After a while we decided that since we had finished our meal we wanted to just get home. We would watch the rest of the game when we got home. So off we went, finally home, We pulled into our garage, walked into the house, closed all the shutters, turned off all the outside lights and went and curled up in our bedroom. There we watched the rest of the game, which was AWESOME! Then we watched one of our favorite TV shows, Dexter which is on Sunday nights. Great at keeping us very distracted! We never even got one doorbell ring, so nice!

Overall a very good day. We had no major meltdowns, although I do admit to some moments of sadness when seeing random children in their costumes as we drove home. But considering how this day/weekend could have gone, I am very happy and thankful with how everything turned out.  One more holiday without my beautiful son, done!  The next few holidays I know will be difficult, especially Christmas. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions for these hard days coming up I would love to hear them. Thanks!

Ami