5 Months

Wow what a roller coaster this journey has been for us.  Slowly we are creeping back toward some sort of normalcy. We are having a lot more good days now then bad, which I have mixed feelings about too.  Today is  another month gone by, 5 months now since we said goodbye to our sweet little Ethan. Its hard to believe that it has been so long, that in just one more month it will be 6 and Christmas will be upon us very soon. Its hard  to imagine in our current reality how different our life would be right now if Ethan was still with us.We definitely would be sleeping less and a lot more tired!  He would be 5 months old, cooing and  perhaps starting to giggle, maybe even a tooth or two by now if he follows in the family tradition. I think about all the things we are missing with him and it just makes my heart ache, the sadness that is usually just a quiet passenger today is loud and persistent like an overbearing relative who just won't go away!

This has been a interesting morning, I really thought today was  going to be OK, a "normal" granted sad day but I would  continue about my morning and routine as planned. I even talked to my MIL who is so sweet to call almost every month on this day to see how we are doing. I was good. Able to talk and make plans etc.  Got of the phone and  back onto facebook, because of course that's what everyone does first thing in the morning, right? Anyway point being I was moving along just fine when I decided to update my status with a note to Ethan remembering him on his day.  I wrote it, posted and then almost as if by sneak attack the tears  and crying began and didn't stop.  I cried in my bed, then in the bathroom, while trying to recover and blow my nose which always turns into a snot factory, and then again in the shower while attempting to continue with my morning they came again, in relentless waves.  I will never stop missing my son but truly I was surprised at how this  wave just hit me bam!

I guess I should not have planned on this being a "normal" day for me. No matter how much we think we may have things "together" there will always be moments and  days I am learning that just take us for a ride. All we can do is hold on and hope that it doesn't last too long. Please be thinking of our little family today as we continue to muddle through this messy thing called grief. Thanks for all the love and prayers.

Ami