New Friends

What an amazing, heartbreaking, riveting three hours! Dave and I just got back from our first HAND support group meeting and it was so good! We both were a little nervous as we walked in not knowing exactly what to expect. We were immediately welcomed with open arms by the coordinator. We sat at a u shaped table and chatted, making small talk while we waited for everyone to arrive.

Then the coordinator began by telling us her story. Each person/couple had the opportunity to share their story and I was on the edge of my seat for each one. They were all so sad. This was such a new, truly breath taking experience for me. Until now all the birth stories I had heard from my friends had happy endings, but none of ours did. My heart ached for each of the mommies there as they told their stories, some with humor, some tears, all with the same sadness in their voice. Each couple had suffered more than any parent ever should. Through all of this sadness though there is also hope.

Immediately I felt like I knew these women, truly they understand my pain in a way no one else can. We got to share Ethan's story in detail from the beginning of our journey out loud. What a relief it was to be able to talk as much as we wanted without worrying about how we were making someone else feel! To be able to share without constantly worrying about making someone uncomfortable, it was like a wall had been torn down.

Something that really surprised me is that I didn't cry when telling our story for the first time. I fully expected to but somehow by the time it came to our turn I knew I wasn't going to cry. I was eager to talk about it, to tell everyone about Ethan's story and all the details leading up to his birth. I guess I was so anxious to share and make sure I included all the details that I never got to that point. I usually can tell if I'm going to cry or not, my throat tightens up, the tears build up and my nose begins to clog up. Then the tears just flow, sometimes a few drops at a time and sometimes in a flood. But tonight I had neither of those, instead just a sense of calm, peace and relief.

Dave also talked a lot and I am so thankful that he felt comfortable enough to share his feelings and perspective in front of strangers.  I think he felt like me that by the end of the night we were no longer strangers. I am sad that we all had to meet this way and that groups like these are even necessary breaks my heart, but I am so grateful that they do.