It has been too long!

Oh my goodness I just looked at the date of my last post and realized how long its been since I have written on my blog!  Time continues to get away from me.  So much going on in our life and so many  events have come and gone, where to begin.  I guess we should start with holidays.  My last post was on Easter and it was about being grateful for the time spent with family and decorating Ethan's place. I was/am truly thankful for that time. It was very important for us as a family. 

However I still had some sadness on the day of Easter, my hubby was sick for starters, so he wasn't with me at my parents home on Easter.  I woke up and just knew it was going to be one of those mornings.  All you BLMs out there know exactly what I am talking about! Where sometimes it takes you a long time just to get out of bed.  The first thought in my head that morning was, "it's Easter" and then "Ethan isn't here".  The tears fell quietly for over an hour before my wonderful mom came in to check on me.  She is such a comfort to me. She has also suffered great loss in her life besides Ethan, she is always good about knowing when to say something and when I just need to be held. I eventually was able to get out of bed and function for the day.  I really needed to, I had to be home that afternoon. Plus I was really missing my hubby as well, holidays just are not the same without your loving husband to help you along.  So I survived the day, which is good right? I just wish our holidays could be more than just getting through the day.

The next holiday of course was Mother's day.  This one was really a struggle for me.  I spent most of the day in this emotional "tug of war" with myself.  Part of me just wanted to curl up in bed all day and cry for all that should be.  The fact that I am already a mother, Ethan has already given me that precious gift of motherhood.  It kills me to think that most people walking down the street assume that this is our first and how excited I must be "to be a mom" when I already am one! Let me just say also as a side note that there are no cards out there on Mother's day that even come close to getting it right for angel mommies! I hate that I will never get to have a mother's day card signed " Love, Ethan"!  Or receive any gifts from him on Mother's day.  Its such cruel world sometimes for us. 

Grief and hurt and sadness are all wrapped up inside us and we never know when they are going to show up. It also greatly affects my reactions to people and situations. I might appear just fine, but you should hear me later when we are alone at home! I can get angry at the drop of a hat these days.  Sometimes I am "fine" for planned events and sometimes I'm not.  I never know which part of me is going to show up at any given time. I do realize that some of it is hormonal but a good chunk is not, it is just the way I deal with my grief. I was very glad that Hubby and I did get to go out and visit Ethan on Mother's day which helped some of my grief feelings, I love bringing him flowers and trinkets, it helps fill up my mommy heart, when I can "do something" for him. 

On this day of course I also had the competing feelings because of our little rainbow Isaac Benjamin who is arriving next month! I have finally begun to allow myself to dream about what life will be like with him here.  I have so much to look forward to! I think that will always be a struggle for me, as with all angel mommies. How to remember and honor those we have lost and still celebrate and hope and dream about our future children and our life with them here. I am a mommy of three babies, two are waiting for us in heaven with Jesus and one is here still in my tummy but ready to arrive very soon, tomorrow is 5 weeks!  So this mother's day was the first time I really struggled with how I felt about this day.  Part of me was sad and aching for my sweet Ethan, the other was dreaming and anticipating all that will soon be with little Isaac.  I guess this is a preview of many holidays to come, probably it will be a life long struggle. 

Two days after Mother's day was Ethan's 11 month "angelversary" but I was still so "spent" from Mother's day that I did not go out to visit him like I usually do.  I know he understands.
I am so thankful for all my family and dear friends who continue to love and support me/us during this emotional journey of "firsts and loss" I can never say it enough. I love you all.