Ethan's Birth Day

Friday, June 11, 2010

At 6:30 AM I finally reached 10 cm dilation so I could begin to push. Of course after almost 30 hours of labor I was completely exhausted. However I was determined that this baby was going to arrive, tired or not! So I began the next part of the delivery. After pushing for an hour without "sufficient progress", the nurse said they wanted me to rest for half an hour. Shortly after that, the nurse returned saying the doctor wanted me to continue pushing, not resting. I was surprised by the lack of communication but tiredly agreed to begin pushing again.

However after just one or two more pushes, the midwife came in and said they felt we should do a cesarean at this time because the baby was getting tired and it was showing on his heart rate after the contractions. The doctor came in discussed it with me and my Mom also and we agreed to schedule the cesarean for 8:30 this morning. That was around 7:30am. They came in and prepped me and Dave for surgery.

Because I already had an epidural they didn’t have to do as much. Suddenly around 8:00 there was fluttering in Ethan’s heart monitor and a sudden drop in heart rate so they whisked us away for an emergency cesarean.

Though things are a little hazy for me about the details of the surgery I remember the doctors telling me that Ethan probably wouldn’t cry when he came out because he most likely would have breathing difficulties from the meconium exposure but it happened all the time and they would make sure to have the neonatal team in place to take care of him when he arrived. Dave arrived in the surgery room and took his place by my head, holding my hand, nervous but excited.

Finally the surgery started and it didn’t seem like it was long before they said “Ethan is out”. He was born at 8:24am.  I didn’t hear any cry but I was expecting that so I didn’t worry too much at first. However there was no encouragement or updates from any doctors about Ethan after a few minutes I began to worry, not just worry, I was filled with dread something was wrong, terribly wrong I could feel it in my being. Dave said he could see them and they were working on Ethan to try and get his heart rate and breathing going, but he didn’t know any more than me. I sat there shaking uncontrollably, one of the side effects from the medication they had given me, desperately wondering about our baby and if he was going to be okay. What seemed like eons later they were able to get a heartbeat on Ethan and whisked him away to the NICU.

In the meantime the doctors continued to sew me back up and about 30 minutes later they took us to the recovery room to wait for news of our baby boy. I think it was probably another 30 minutes or so when our cousin who is also a pediatrician came into the room. That’s when I knew I was right, something was terribly wrong, I could tell from the look on her face when she walked up to us. She told us that they were having a very hard time getting Ethan to breathe, they had put in a tube and were working very hard but they might need to transfer him to another hospital with more specialist to help him. I will never forget her face, she said it was very serious, that she couldn’t tell me what his chances were. I asked at that point if my Mom could come back to see us so Dave went with her to tell the rest of our anxious family members what was going on. It wasn’t too long after that my Mom and Dave returned. Mom tried to reassure me that it would be okay, they would take good care of Ethan at the other hospital in San Jose but I continued to be filled with dread.

Then the moment came that will be forever etched in my memory for as long as I live: the entire doctor and nursing team came into our room, lined up and I knew at that moment that Ethan was gone. I barely remember what the doctor said, just that they had tried so hard but Ethan just didn’t respond to the interventions that they tried and they were so sorry he died. Then as a groan erupted from me and I collapsed in my mother’s arms they brought me our son, our beautiful little boy Ethan. He was absolutely perfect! Everything about him was perfect, he looked just like he was asleep lying there in my arms.

Then I began to moan and scream in earnest as different thoughts came rushing in my head. "Why did this happen to our little boy, why us? How could this beautiful little boy be gone?" The sobs just wracked my body I couldn’t control them, sobbing and moaning louder and crying huge buckets of tears over our son, our beautiful perfect baby boy. My Mom had not left my side this entire time and I remember her saying, “Oh Ami, no one should have to go through this” and sobbing along with me. My husband who was right there with me, next to my mom was so devastated, just as much as me. I remember distinctly him saying. “My boy, my boy he was supposed to be my boy" and sobbing, shoulders shaking while sobs and tears erupted from him. There are hardly words for the awfulness that was this moment, the hour we found out our baby boy had died.

I don’t have much memory of what happened after that. I know I was moved to another room, in a separate part of the hospital, not with all the new mothers and their babies which I was so grateful for. Once I was moved into the new room they brought Ethan back to me. They had taken him to get his pictures and measurements done. He was a big boy, 9 pounds 4 ounces and 21 inches long!

They had put a shirt on him and wrapped him in a receiving blanket so we could snuggle and hold him as long as we wanted to. I just stared at him, amazed at his perfection, his beautiful reddish brown hair, his perfect little nose and the dimple on his top lip. He had enormous feet for a newborn, which is just what I had said all throughout my pregnancy.Ever since our 3D ultrasound I had been talking about how big his feet were going to be. The tears just would not stop running down my face. I didn’t know I could cry that much in one day. It was so horribly unfair, our first beloved child, he would have had everything and instead he was already gone.

We had visitors all day, mostly our family and a few close friends who wanted to come and support us and see little Ethan. I am so grateful that we were allowed that time with him. To show him to our family and friends just like we would have if he had lived, everyone remarked about how big he was and how perfect all his features were, especially his hands and feet. Both sets of grandparents as well as my sisters came and got to see him which I was so thankful for, as well as several of my close girlfriends. They all got to hold him and love on him. One of the memories that I will never forget that day, was seeing my dad pick up his beautiful grandson. He just fell apart, sobbing while holding him, aching for all that would never be. That image, it is forever scarred into my memory, this terrible, horrific day, when all our lives changed forever.